A South Africa-based charity dedicated to ensuring the survival of the world’s rhinoceros’ population has today revealed they have accidentally been supporting and funding rhino poachers and trophy hunters since their 2011 inception.
“Sooooo, it turns out that every dollar we have collected over the years has gone into funding various groups of poachers and their efforts to hunt rhinos into extinction,” said ‘HornyBois’ founder Dr. Julius van der Kempfen.
“I’d like to take this opportunity to say, ‘My bad’. I really dropped the ball on this one”.
Van der Kempfen went on to add that their highly effective fundraising techniques and high level of public support had meant the remaining rhino population was most likely affected ‘beyond repair’.
“We’ve raised SO much since we started, and we thought we were really making a difference. Turns out, it was just a difference in the wrong direction. Again, reaaaally sorry about this, everyone.”
Representatives from HornyBois went on to add that not everything was their fault.
“I mean, some of the groups we were supporting had really confusing names!”
“We only just figured out that a local group we helped support, ‘Rare Rhino Lovers’, was actually referring to how they liked their Rhino steaks cooked, not referencing their dwindling numbers in the wild”.
Despite the bad news, van der Kampfen was optimistic for the future.
“It’s really unlikely that we’ll make the same mistakes with elephants”.
New records have been set in the Auckland housing market today, as an auction of a child’s drawing of a house reached more than $1 million before being sold to an anonymous bidder this afternoon.
The sketch of the two-floor house has been the subject of intense speculation over the last several weeks, with representatives refusing to confirm reports of a bidding war going on behind the scenes.
“It’s a very nice drawing,” said auctioneer Francis McLaren. “Most of the lines are straight, and there are some very pretty flowers outside, too!”
“It’s the definition of an investment property”, said the unnamed auction winner, clutching his latest portfolio addition to his chest.
“We’re already looking at our opportunities for it down the line.”
“In the next year or two we might sketch a picture of a pool in the corner, and we’re already getting estimates from landscapers to draw some nice bushes out front. That’ll really create a nice atmosphere!”
Experts are already warning that the housing market is showing no signs of slowing down any time soon.
“It’s going from ‘Crazy’ to ‘Absolutely Unhinged’ out there,” said property expert Julie Hamer.
“We’ve already seen people place multi-million-dollar bids on games of Housie, box sets of the medical drama ‘House’ and literally throwing bundles of hundred dollar notes at children playing 1-2-3 Home”.
A new study released today by the Dunedin Institute of Satirical Sciences has revealed that people who take the time to like, share and comment on satirical news articles are generally more attractive, well-rounded and virile lovemakers.
“Oh yeah, definitely,” said lead researcher Dr. Henry Adams.
“I swear, it seems as though as soon as they leave their first ‘like’ on an article, they’ve already lost the double-chin, and by the time they’ve tagged in a mate or two, they’ve gained an inch or two where it counts, if you know what I mean.”
DUFP reporters can confirm we do, in fact, know what he means.
The report went on to suggest that following a decent number of satirical blogs on Facebook could soon replace regular trips to the gym, as participants showed a decrease in blood pressure and cholesterol when they shared articles to their news feeds.
“We’re still finding new benefits to consuming these blog posts, so stay tuned,” added Adams.
“Our team is actually on the verge of confirming a link between satirical news and developing a natural immunity to the common cold!”
At the time of publishing, the entire team here at DUFP headquarters would like to add that you’re looking really good right now, and we really like what you’re doing with your hair lately haha.
In what’s been described as a major “YAAAAAAS!” for gender-neutral child rearing, a couple in Dunedin have announced that they will only be dressing their young child in outfits made from old sacks!
Tim and Noelle Fletcher said they were feeling “overwhelmed” by society’s demands to have their child fit in either option offered by the gender binary that “society enforces upon us”.
“We felt as though the best thing we could do for our little bundle of joy was keep it safe and warm in something that had previously kept potatoes, coffee beans and flour safe and warm, too” said Tim.
“Plus, with Noelle being an expert seamstress, (after having it forced upon her by society from a young age) we could make the clothes as comfy as possible”.
“We even managed to get rid of most of the itch – you can hardly see the large patches of irritated skin anymore!”
The Fletchers went on to add they were planning on giving their new child as much freedom to learn about itself as possible.
“We haven’t even given our new arrival a name yet” said Noelle. “The last thing we want to do is to box them into a life of sporting success as a ‘Chad’, the shitbaggery of a ‘Jaiden’ or commonness of ‘Mackenzie’.”
“Being a parent sure is tough!”
Fathers, step-fathers and daddies across the nation have announced today they are beginning intensive ‘applause training’ in preparation for upcoming graduations, where they plan to applaud in a totally over-the-top fashion that is sure to cause lots of embarrassment.
Speaking from his family home, one father who asked not to be named, said he was “just so excited to see his little girl finally graduate” and “dive right into the exciting world of philosophy with a high-paying job right off the bat”.
The unnamed man went on to say he had begun training under a strict applause regimen that he hoped would result in “the biggest booming claps you’ve ever heard in your life!”
“They are going to hear how proud I am all the way across town!”
He added that his ‘Clap Coach’ encouraged him to use his hands as little as possible until the big day.
“Yeah, it’ll be odd having to use my wrists and feet for the next month or two, but it’ll all be worth it soon enough!”
Other dads were still unsure as to how they were planning to mark the occasion.
“Personally, I’m still tossing up between loud, thunderous applause and shorter, sharper claps. I’m not quite sure which will sufficiently display my joy of my little man graduating” said another father.
“Ah well, there’s a long way until May!”
In tragic news from the anime community, it has been revealed that the anime character Nate Mitotsudaira has tragically passed away overnight, crushed to death by the weight of her own hair.
Mitotsudaira, a half-human, half-werewolf student of the Musashi Ariadust Academy, was found in her bed yesterday morning, after having inadvertently rolled over in her sleep and the sheer weight of her hair popping her head ‘like a grape’.
Her friends and family lovingly described her as a ‘wonderful side character’ with ‘hair like actual goddamn drills’.
They went on to add, “Seriously?! Motherfucking DRILLS?! God is dead. He’s dead and we killed him. With our hair-drill bullshit”.
This isn’t the first hair-related medical emergency in the anime community, with several other cases of sprained necks reported, as well as three cases of characters nearly gassing themselves to death with various hairsprays and chemicals.
Mitotsudaira's death is expected to increase calls on the government to introduce a total ban on anime.
In what many industry experts are calling a ‘ground-breaking’ look, an area man has sent shockwaves through the fashion community with his daring new style to flaunt his natural body: tucked-in t-shirts.
Father of four, Dennis Carmody said in a statement in that he was ‘proud’ to represent ‘dads who have a little more junk in the trunk, as well as a spare tyre or two around the midriff’.
“Fashion is all about what’s coming next, and I believe this look has been coming for a while.”
“For too long, men around the world have been told that their curves are shameful, something to hide away. Well, I say the shame ends today!”
Carmody said he was inspired to debut his audacious style at a mate’s barbecue, last weekend.
“All eyes were on me, I can tell you that much. The women wanted me, the men wanted to be me.”
Carmody revealed he is already designing a range a ‘extra-stretchy’ tops for men who want to ‘tuck and flaunt’, and he plans to start shipping globally.
“I’m just hoping to get the good word out – ‘Tuck Ya Tees’, guys. I’m going to get this thing viral”.
After entering their team into a local social cricket league, the several lovable rogues, vagabonds and outsiders that made up their squad have confirmed they lost every game by ‘a truly mammoth margin’.
‘The Kiwi Battlers’, with members from all walks of life, ranging from those who ‘had rough childhoods’ to those who ‘never got a shot at the big time’, were reportedly decimated in every game they played by at least 150 runs or several wickets.
“Yeah, it was quite bad,” said team captain Guy Rivers. “We were hoping that we’d manage to win a handful of games due to our sheer pluck and determination at overcoming our unique set of circumstances.”
“But no, we got absolutely pumped in each game. We probably should have trained a bit”.
Team coach and barely functioning alcoholic Mick O’Donnell said while the team had won the hearts and minds of many spectators and other teams, they had failed to win literally anything else.
“It’s a miracle our guys can lace up their shoes correctly, really”.
At the team’s end of season awards, Most Improved was awarded to their opening batsman, who by the end of the season, had figured out which end of his bat to hold.
More to come.
A local Dunedin man was unable to properly display his rage at a piece of inferior driving today, as his loose tooting technique failed to convey his feelings of pure rage and hatred.
Mechanic and father of two, Mike Ambrose, was coming home after another hard day of work when he saw the offending driver and their poor level of skill.
“I was coming into Dunedin from Mosgiel when I saw this idiot; he was all over the road. Swerving over both lanes, slowing down, speeding up – I’m pretty sure he was on his phone too!”
Ambrose said he managed to pull alongside the other driver, matching their pace, before letting him ‘have it’.
“I really gave him both barrels. Made eye contact and everything.”
“Unfortunately, I think I was a little over-enthused on the horn – it sounded like I was playing an excitable kazoo next to him! Afterwards, I felt like I had an old cashew between my legs… total d-shriveller!”
Ambrose says he has plans to immediately rectify the situation, saying he has already purchased several different truck horns that he will rig up in his car.
“I tried to get one of those foghorns they use on cruise ships, but they won’t sell one to me because I ‘don’t own a ship that weighs hundreds of tonnes’ or something.”
“Total PC madness”.
More to come.
In what many New Zealanders are considering a final affront to the country they call home, the unruly tourists who made headlines around the world with their uncouth actions have today unveiled 2/5 star rating for New Zealand on review website Yelp.
“I liked seeing the Hobbits village,” began the review.
“But everywhere else was a huge let down. The beaches were covered in trash, the food we were served was full of crap like ants and human hair! DISGUSTING!”
“The worst part was that the locals were so unfriendly! Not at all like my mates in the caravan parks back home! Won’t be returning in a hurry!”
When polled in the street, many New Zealanders put this top of their lists of things they found offensive about the traveller tourists.
“It’s like they haven’t even taken the time to check out our beautiful scenery! New Zealand is so much more than a film franchise!” said one man.
“I could understand them shoplifting a Christmas tree, rope and some Red Bulls, but leaving a bad star review on our country – our HOME – is unforgivable! Bring them back to New Zealand just to throw them out again!” said one woman.
The Beehive has released a statement today, saying they had reached out to Yelp in an effort to get the slanderous review taken down from the site, and would update us once a conclusion had been reached.
New Zealand currently has a rating of 4.83/5 on Yelp.
More to come.