Blinking nervously and dabbing sweat from his brow, local man Mike Macallister spent the majority of his weekend frantically reassuring his girlfriend Kelsey Greene that his moaning of the Black Caps captain’s name in the throes of passion was, in fact, nothing to worry about.
Sitting with her arms crossed and a pursed look on her face, Greene had yet to speak a word to Macallister since he uttered the name of the New Zealand cricket captain whilst mid-coitus on Friday evening.
“I feel like such a fool,” said Macallister. “I’ve been so careful to keep the two main loves of my life seperate; cricket and Kelsey.”
“Kelsey’s a fantastic, intelligent girl, with a great personality, but Kane… he’s special to me. I just can’t get enough of that thing he does with his wrists.”
“And don’t get me started on that smile of his. It makes me weak at the knees, truth be told.”
Speaking exclusively to DUFP reporters, Greene said she was completely taken aback by Macallister’s exclamation.
“I thought things were going well on the night, but apparently I could be doing a bit more for his middle stump”.
Williamson could not be reached for comment at the time of publishing, but a representative from New Zealand Cricket said he appreciated being kept in the thoughts of all Kiwis, even in a ‘creepy ways like this’.
Brushing Dorito’s crumbs from his lap and pulling his stained t-shirt over his protruding gut, local man Andy Torrance expressed his disdain with how a popular American TV show ended its latest season, despite not paying for Sky for over ten years.
Torrance, an unemployed University graduate, said he felt ‘let down’ by the way the latest season’s story had developed and the way the characters had resolved their respective storylines.
“If I had actually paid to see any of that drivel, I think I would have written a letter to the editor, or at least made a few snarky posts on a fan forum somewhere,” said Torrance, downloading several other TV shows he had no intention of ever watching.
“I must say, I feel as though the standard of television around is slipping.”
At the time of writing, Torrance had several External Hard Drives worth of films and TV shows from all over the globe piled up on his desk.
“What can I say - I’m a connoisseur of media. If you’d like to learn more about my opinions on each show in excruciating detail, you can read the blog on my website. Or check out my YouTube channel.”
“But be sure to support me on Patreon - I don’t do this stuff for free!”
More to come.
After Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ announcement that she was stepping down as Donald Trump’s Press Secretary, the American President has moved quickly to announce her replacement - socialite and reality television star Kim Kardashian-West.
“I’ve been a fan of Kim’s since I saw her in a low-budget film with Ray-J a few years ago,” said Trump in a statement scrawled in crayon on White House letterhead.
“She really showcased her assets for that important project - I’ve got a position or two for her that I think she’ll fit.”
In a statement of her own, Kardashian-West said she was looking forward to working with the White House to the betterment of all Americans.
With her ever-developing background as a law student, Kardashian-West said she was hoping to develop positive race relations in the USA.
“I have a mixed-race family at home, and now I have an employer who’s the shade of pumpkin soup. If I cannot solve America’s deep-seated race issues, no-one can.”
Although it had yet to be confirmed, Washington insiders report that Kardashian-West’s husband Kanye was eyeing up a position as Donald Trump’s social media manager and hype man.
At a nationwide summit of car manufacturers today, CEOs from all major car brands announced their plans to unveil a new design of car headlights designed to completely and permanently blind all other road users.
“It’s been a long time coming,” said a Hyundai representative. “But we’re proud to finally be able to unveil these new lights that will completely and utterly blind any poor bastard you come across on the road.”
“Previously, we had several other models of headlights on the road that would slightly inconvenience oncoming drivers, maybe force them to squint, look away or hold their hands to their eyes.”
“But this new model really cuts to the chase - our top engineers and scientists believe that even a few seconds of exposure will leave permanent damage to the average eye.”
According to industry insiders, the new headlight model is planned to be released by October this year, and should give dickheads a few weeks to get them installed on their cars just in time for the Christmas holidays.
More to come.
A big ‘SPOILER ALERT’ for all you superhero-obsessed moviegoers out there, but we HAD to celebrate the release of Marvel Studio’s record-breaking new film, ‘Avengers: Endgame’.
And for those among us who have seen this three-hour epic, you’ll know there’s a certain character reveal that really tops anything the franchise has done before!
I’m talking, of course, about the show-stealing Shrek cameo, featuring the lovable green ogre, along with Princess Fiona, Donkey and Puss in Boots all joining the fight against the ‘Mad Titan’ Thanos.
Although many fans were shocked to see Thanos brutally decapitate Donkey onscreen, it certainly added to the high-stakes action they have grown accustomed to.
And what fan didn’t celebrate when Shrek donned the infamous Infinity Gauntlet, snapped his fingers and destroyed Thanos? I’m sure the line he uttered while doing so will live on in fans minds for years to come – ‘Get outta ma swamp!’
While some critics have questioned the Russo Brothers’ decision to include an extended dance party immediately afterwards, it was clear to many it was the right choice to make.
As for the controversial end credits scene, I, for one, am certainly excited to see how the team at Marvel Studios will incorporate the suggested presence of Batman into future films!
One thing’s for certain – ‘Endgame’ certainly was Marvel-ous!
A South Africa-based charity dedicated to ensuring the survival of the world’s rhinoceros’ population has today revealed they have accidentally been supporting and funding rhino poachers and trophy hunters since their 2011 inception.
“Sooooo, it turns out that every dollar we have collected over the years has gone into funding various groups of poachers and their efforts to hunt rhinos into extinction,” said ‘HornyBois’ founder Dr. Julius van der Kempfen.
“I’d like to take this opportunity to say, ‘My bad’. I really dropped the ball on this one”.
Van der Kempfen went on to add that their highly effective fundraising techniques and high level of public support had meant the remaining rhino population was most likely affected ‘beyond repair’.
“We’ve raised SO much since we started, and we thought we were really making a difference. Turns out, it was just a difference in the wrong direction. Again, reaaaally sorry about this, everyone.”
Representatives from HornyBois went on to add that not everything was their fault.
“I mean, some of the groups we were supporting had really confusing names!”
“We only just figured out that a local group we helped support, ‘Rare Rhino Lovers’, was actually referring to how they liked their Rhino steaks cooked, not referencing their dwindling numbers in the wild”.
Despite the bad news, van der Kampfen was optimistic for the future.
“It’s really unlikely that we’ll make the same mistakes with elephants”.
New records have been set in the Auckland housing market today, as an auction of a child’s drawing of a house reached more than $1 million before being sold to an anonymous bidder this afternoon.
The sketch of the two-floor house has been the subject of intense speculation over the last several weeks, with representatives refusing to confirm reports of a bidding war going on behind the scenes.
“It’s a very nice drawing,” said auctioneer Francis McLaren. “Most of the lines are straight, and there are some very pretty flowers outside, too!”
“It’s the definition of an investment property”, said the unnamed auction winner, clutching his latest portfolio addition to his chest.
“We’re already looking at our opportunities for it down the line.”
“In the next year or two we might sketch a picture of a pool in the corner, and we’re already getting estimates from landscapers to draw some nice bushes out front. That’ll really create a nice atmosphere!”
Experts are already warning that the housing market is showing no signs of slowing down any time soon.
“It’s going from ‘Crazy’ to ‘Absolutely Unhinged’ out there,” said property expert Julie Hamer.
“We’ve already seen people place multi-million-dollar bids on games of Housie, box sets of the medical drama ‘House’ and literally throwing bundles of hundred dollar notes at children playing 1-2-3 Home”.
A new study released today by the Dunedin Institute of Satirical Sciences has revealed that people who take the time to like, share and comment on satirical news articles are generally more attractive, well-rounded and virile lovemakers.
“Oh yeah, definitely,” said lead researcher Dr. Henry Adams.
“I swear, it seems as though as soon as they leave their first ‘like’ on an article, they’ve already lost the double-chin, and by the time they’ve tagged in a mate or two, they’ve gained an inch or two where it counts, if you know what I mean.”
DUFP reporters can confirm we do, in fact, know what he means.
The report went on to suggest that following a decent number of satirical blogs on Facebook could soon replace regular trips to the gym, as participants showed a decrease in blood pressure and cholesterol when they shared articles to their news feeds.
“We’re still finding new benefits to consuming these blog posts, so stay tuned,” added Adams.
“Our team is actually on the verge of confirming a link between satirical news and developing a natural immunity to the common cold!”
At the time of publishing, the entire team here at DUFP headquarters would like to add that you’re looking really good right now, and we really like what you’re doing with your hair lately haha.
In what’s been described as a major “YAAAAAAS!” for gender-neutral child rearing, a couple in Dunedin have announced that they will only be dressing their young child in outfits made from old sacks!
Tim and Noelle Fletcher said they were feeling “overwhelmed” by society’s demands to have their child fit in either option offered by the gender binary that “society enforces upon us”.
“We felt as though the best thing we could do for our little bundle of joy was keep it safe and warm in something that had previously kept potatoes, coffee beans and flour safe and warm, too” said Tim.
“Plus, with Noelle being an expert seamstress, (after having it forced upon her by society from a young age) we could make the clothes as comfy as possible”.
“We even managed to get rid of most of the itch – you can hardly see the large patches of irritated skin anymore!”
The Fletchers went on to add they were planning on giving their new child as much freedom to learn about itself as possible.
“We haven’t even given our new arrival a name yet” said Noelle. “The last thing we want to do is to box them into a life of sporting success as a ‘Chad’, the shitbaggery of a ‘Jaiden’ or commonness of ‘Mackenzie’.”
“Being a parent sure is tough!”
Fathers, step-fathers and daddies across the nation have announced today they are beginning intensive ‘applause training’ in preparation for upcoming graduations, where they plan to applaud in a totally over-the-top fashion that is sure to cause lots of embarrassment.
Speaking from his family home, one father who asked not to be named, said he was “just so excited to see his little girl finally graduate” and “dive right into the exciting world of philosophy with a high-paying job right off the bat”.
The unnamed man went on to say he had begun training under a strict applause regimen that he hoped would result in “the biggest booming claps you’ve ever heard in your life!”
“They are going to hear how proud I am all the way across town!”
He added that his ‘Clap Coach’ encouraged him to use his hands as little as possible until the big day.
“Yeah, it’ll be odd having to use my wrists and feet for the next month or two, but it’ll all be worth it soon enough!”
Other dads were still unsure as to how they were planning to mark the occasion.
“Personally, I’m still tossing up between loud, thunderous applause and shorter, sharper claps. I’m not quite sure which will sufficiently display my joy of my little man graduating” said another father.
“Ah well, there’s a long way until May!”