In what many industry experts are calling a ‘ground-breaking’ look, an area man has sent shockwaves through the fashion community with his daring new style to flaunt his natural body: tucked-in t-shirts.
Father of four, Dennis Carmody said in a statement in that he was ‘proud’ to represent ‘dads who have a little more junk in the trunk, as well as a spare tyre or two around the midriff’.
“Fashion is all about what’s coming next, and I believe this look has been coming for a while.”
“For too long, men around the world have been told that their curves are shameful, something to hide away. Well, I say the shame ends today!”
Carmody said he was inspired to debut his audacious style at a mate’s barbecue, last weekend.
“All eyes were on me, I can tell you that much. The women wanted me, the men wanted to be me.”
Carmody revealed he is already designing a range a ‘extra-stretchy’ tops for men who want to ‘tuck and flaunt’, and he plans to start shipping globally.
“I’m just hoping to get the good word out – ‘Tuck Ya Tees’, guys. I’m going to get this thing viral”.
After entering their team into a local social cricket league, the several lovable rogues, vagabonds and outsiders that made up their squad have confirmed they lost every game by ‘a truly mammoth margin’.
‘The Kiwi Battlers’, with members from all walks of life, ranging from those who ‘had rough childhoods’ to those who ‘never got a shot at the big time’, were reportedly decimated in every game they played by at least 150 runs or several wickets.
“Yeah, it was quite bad,” said team captain Guy Rivers. “We were hoping that we’d manage to win a handful of games due to our sheer pluck and determination at overcoming our unique set of circumstances.”
“But no, we got absolutely pumped in each game. We probably should have trained a bit”.
Team coach and barely functioning alcoholic Mick O’Donnell said while the team had won the hearts and minds of many spectators and other teams, they had failed to win literally anything else.
“It’s a miracle our guys can lace up their shoes correctly, really”.
At the team’s end of season awards, Most Improved was awarded to their opening batsman, who by the end of the season, had figured out which end of his bat to hold.
More to come.
A local Dunedin man was unable to properly display his rage at a piece of inferior driving today, as his loose tooting technique failed to convey his feelings of pure rage and hatred.
Mechanic and father of two, Mike Ambrose, was coming home after another hard day of work when he saw the offending driver and their poor level of skill.
“I was coming into Dunedin from Mosgiel when I saw this idiot; he was all over the road. Swerving over both lanes, slowing down, speeding up – I’m pretty sure he was on his phone too!”
Ambrose said he managed to pull alongside the other driver, matching their pace, before letting him ‘have it’.
“I really gave him both barrels. Made eye contact and everything.”
“Unfortunately, I think I was a little over-enthused on the horn – it sounded like I was playing an excitable kazoo next to him! Afterwards, I felt like I had an old cashew between my legs… total d-shriveller!”
Ambrose says he has plans to immediately rectify the situation, saying he has already purchased several different truck horns that he will rig up in his car.
“I tried to get one of those foghorns they use on cruise ships, but they won’t sell one to me because I ‘don’t own a ship that weighs hundreds of tonnes’ or something.”
“Total PC madness”.
More to come.
In what many New Zealanders are considering a final affront to the country they call home, the unruly tourists who made headlines around the world with their uncouth actions have today unveiled 2/5 star rating for New Zealand on review website Yelp.
“I liked seeing the Hobbits village,” began the review.
“But everywhere else was a huge let down. The beaches were covered in trash, the food we were served was full of crap like ants and human hair! DISGUSTING!”
“The worst part was that the locals were so unfriendly! Not at all like my mates in the caravan parks back home! Won’t be returning in a hurry!”
When polled in the street, many New Zealanders put this top of their lists of things they found offensive about the traveller tourists.
“It’s like they haven’t even taken the time to check out our beautiful scenery! New Zealand is so much more than a film franchise!” said one man.
“I could understand them shoplifting a Christmas tree, rope and some Red Bulls, but leaving a bad star review on our country – our HOME – is unforgivable! Bring them back to New Zealand just to throw them out again!” said one woman.
The Beehive has released a statement today, saying they had reached out to Yelp in an effort to get the slanderous review taken down from the site, and would update us once a conclusion had been reached.
New Zealand currently has a rating of 4.83/5 on Yelp.
More to come.
Famous friendly ghost Casper, ‘child’ star of many films and television shows, has given us a rare glimpse behind the scenes of his afterlife and agreed to a tell-all interview with DUFP reporters.
As we all sat – or rather, we sat and he hovered, ghost-like, at Casper’s home at Whipstaff Manor, the comic book, video game, movie and TV star began to regale us with stories of his life, afterlife, career and aftercareer.
“It all began waaay back in 1930-odd,” said Casper, casting his mind back to a time before social media, Nazis and exposing Nazis on social media.
“I was only a child when I got sick, but my parents insisted that modern medicine and vaccines were ‘of the devil’ and kept them away from me. To be fair, the cure for most things back then was heroin mixed with formaldehyde and chloroform, so maybe they had a point.”
“Anyway, because my parents ‘knew better’ than the doctors, I died pretty quickly. It’s not like it was anything out of the ordinary – most class pictures were taken in graveyards so they could include the headstones!”
But despite his childhood lacking in several key areas – namely having one – Casper holds no grudge against his family.
“Sure, I may have haunted them a bit during a period of time which I figured would’ve been my teenage years, but I’m over it all now. Just focussing on being happy and friendly is what I’m all about!”
You can read more about Casper’s story in his new autobiography; “That’s the Spirit: From the Cradle to the Grave A Few Years Later”, in stores next month.