A new study released today by the Dunedin Institute of Satirical Sciences has revealed that people who take the time to like, share and comment on satirical news articles are generally more attractive, well-rounded and virile lovemakers.
“Oh yeah, definitely,” said lead researcher Dr. Henry Adams.
“I swear, it seems as though as soon as they leave their first ‘like’ on an article, they’ve already lost the double-chin, and by the time they’ve tagged in a mate or two, they’ve gained an inch or two where it counts, if you know what I mean.”
DUFP reporters can confirm we do, in fact, know what he means.
The report went on to suggest that following a decent number of satirical blogs on Facebook could soon replace regular trips to the gym, as participants showed a decrease in blood pressure and cholesterol when they shared articles to their news feeds.
“We’re still finding new benefits to consuming these blog posts, so stay tuned,” added Adams.
“Our team is actually on the verge of confirming a link between satirical news and developing a natural immunity to the common cold!”
At the time of publishing, the entire team here at DUFP headquarters would like to add that you’re looking really good right now, and we really like what you’re doing with your hair lately haha.
In what’s been described as a major “YAAAAAAS!” for gender-neutral child rearing, a couple in Dunedin have announced that they will only be dressing their young child in outfits made from old sacks!
Tim and Noelle Fletcher said they were feeling “overwhelmed” by society’s demands to have their child fit in either option offered by the gender binary that “society enforces upon us”.
“We felt as though the best thing we could do for our little bundle of joy was keep it safe and warm in something that had previously kept potatoes, coffee beans and flour safe and warm, too” said Tim.
“Plus, with Noelle being an expert seamstress, (after having it forced upon her by society from a young age) we could make the clothes as comfy as possible”.
“We even managed to get rid of most of the itch – you can hardly see the large patches of irritated skin anymore!”
The Fletchers went on to add they were planning on giving their new child as much freedom to learn about itself as possible.
“We haven’t even given our new arrival a name yet” said Noelle. “The last thing we want to do is to box them into a life of sporting success as a ‘Chad’, the shitbaggery of a ‘Jaiden’ or commonness of ‘Mackenzie’.”
“Being a parent sure is tough!”
Fathers, step-fathers and daddies across the nation have announced today they are beginning intensive ‘applause training’ in preparation for upcoming graduations, where they plan to applaud in a totally over-the-top fashion that is sure to cause lots of embarrassment.
Speaking from his family home, one father who asked not to be named, said he was “just so excited to see his little girl finally graduate” and “dive right into the exciting world of philosophy with a high-paying job right off the bat”.
The unnamed man went on to say he had begun training under a strict applause regimen that he hoped would result in “the biggest booming claps you’ve ever heard in your life!”
“They are going to hear how proud I am all the way across town!”
He added that his ‘Clap Coach’ encouraged him to use his hands as little as possible until the big day.
“Yeah, it’ll be odd having to use my wrists and feet for the next month or two, but it’ll all be worth it soon enough!”
Other dads were still unsure as to how they were planning to mark the occasion.
“Personally, I’m still tossing up between loud, thunderous applause and shorter, sharper claps. I’m not quite sure which will sufficiently display my joy of my little man graduating” said another father.
“Ah well, there’s a long way until May!”
In tragic news from the anime community, it has been revealed that the anime character Nate Mitotsudaira has tragically passed away overnight, crushed to death by the weight of her own hair.
Mitotsudaira, a half-human, half-werewolf student of the Musashi Ariadust Academy, was found in her bed yesterday morning, after having inadvertently rolled over in her sleep and the sheer weight of her hair popping her head ‘like a grape’.
Her friends and family lovingly described her as a ‘wonderful side character’ with ‘hair like actual goddamn drills’.
They went on to add, “Seriously?! Motherfucking DRILLS?! God is dead. He’s dead and we killed him. With our hair-drill bullshit”.
This isn’t the first hair-related medical emergency in the anime community, with several other cases of sprained necks reported, as well as three cases of characters nearly gassing themselves to death with various hairsprays and chemicals.
Mitotsudaira's death is expected to increase calls on the government to introduce a total ban on anime.