It was a very happy day for students of Facebook University, as thousands graduated today from Facebook’s medical school, now fully versed and experts in all fields of health, well-being and medicine.
“As an educator, it certainly is very rewarding to see all your hard work pay off like this,” said Senior Lecturer Vladimir Zuckerberg.
“Just think; in no time at all, our students will be out in the field, spreading their special strain of medical knowledge like, well, a virus, I suppose”.
Many of today’s graduates are expected to take up residency in your local community news Facebook group, where they will immediately prescribe a course of absolute nonsense and pseudo-science bunk.
Today’s numbers are set to followed up by a similar announcement from Facebook University’s Law School, as thousands more are set to begin prosecuting the Chinese government for illegally infusing bats with 5G or some bullshit like that.
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The International Criminal Court (ICC) has today announced that it will be bringing charges of war crimes against the wireless communication technology known as 5G, after damning photo evidence emerged late last night.
Accusations around 5G’s participation in several global conflict sites had long been theorised but was unable to be corroborated until the recent evidence had surfaced.
“This is a great day for justice around the world,” said ICC judge Chile Eboe-Osuji.
“We’ve been tracking 5G for months now, but today’s announcement means we can strike a real blow against evil in the world”.
5G stands accused of a multitude of other crimes, including cattle rustling, real estate fraud, causing the entire COVID-19 pandemic, poisoning the watering hole, and general unpleasantness.
“5G has left hundreds of thousands – if not millions – of victims in its wake. We’re looking forward to taking this bastard down.”
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As part of atoning for his quarantine breaking antics, Health Minister David Clark has today vowed to personally shake hands and apologise to every Dunedin resident before the end of the quarantine period.
“I know I’ve messed up,” said Dr Clark, facing the media from Wellington today.
“I’m hoping that by going door-to-door, meeting and shaking the hand of every Dunedinite I can, people will truly understand my dedication to public health and my dedication to this lockdown”.
Dr Clark had come under fire for skirting the nationwide quarantine in the wake of the coronavirus’ arrival in New Zealand, at one point driving 20 km to take his family to the goddamn beach.
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On her way to do the family’s weekly grocery shop, SUV driver and urban pioneer Grace O’Sullivan has engaged in a daredevil battle of nerves with a neighbourhood speed bump.
Onlookers described the scene as ‘tense’, ‘unnerving’ and ‘a totally appropriate response for the circumstances’ as O’Sullivan slowly approached the speed bump located around the corner from her family home.
Reaching breakneck speeds upwards of 5km/h, O’Sullivan masterfully manoeuvred the steering wheel to ensure that her brand-new 2020 Kia Sorrento SX approached the shifty-looking speedbump at a safe 45° angle.
Easing her seven-door behemoth of a vehicle over the cracked and aged traffic management system, O’Sullivan fist-pumped to herself before taking off at well over the speed limit, cutting several corners on her way to her closest New World.
When later asked for comment, O’Sullivan said that she appreciated the repeated honks of encouragement from the line of cars stuck behind her during the fifteen minute process.
She added that she would be putting on her winter chains as soon as she got back from the supermarket, guaranteeing her safety as she drives down the hill from her Maori Hill home.
“You can’t be too safe!”
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