Only days before the premiere of new flagship TVNZ reality show ‘Heartbreak Island’, production has ground to a halt after the entire island and its inhabitants were quarantined due to an outbreak of the STI known as ‘Super-Herpes’.
Associate Director Rose Tuilagi said that initial reports suggested they would only be delayed by “a few days” while they waited for soil, water and pregnancy tests to come back from the lab.
“While we certainly understand that people are upset about the delays and concerned for our contestants, we’d like to reassure everyone that morale is high in the camp and that we’ve got enough food, coconut oil and rosé to last several more days”.
“The mood here is so positive! If you were to walk around camp, you could hardly tell that we were under quarantine enforced by the Army”.
“I’m surrounded by idiots. Beautiful idiots, but idiots nonetheless”.
Tuilagi added that plans were already underway for a future TVNZ reality shows. Ideas being workshopped include ‘Grandaddy or Sugar Daddy?’, ‘You Ooze, You Lose!’ and ‘STD Roulette’.
Usually rewarded for his rugby prowess, it was announced today that All Blacks legend Richie McCaw would get his latest honour for a different reason: his esteemed marketing and public speaking career.
Lindsay Strang, a spokeswoman from the Department of the Prime Minister and Cabinet (DPMC) said it would be “a gross oversight” to only acknowledge McCaw’s rugby career and “ignore that some of his greatest performances came in front of a camera”.
“It’s something that every New Zealander has come to cherish – seeing Richie McCaw being interviewed on television”.
Strang highlighted the performance of McCaw and wife, former Black Stick Gemma Flynn, in the recent ‘Good Health Natural Supplement’ advertisement.
“You need a certain amount of acting ability to create such an amazing, informative and entertaining 45 seconds – and all without actually saying a word!”
“Is there anything the man can’t do?”
According to reports from North Dunedin today, local student Nick Morrison made a real ass of himself at a party on Saturday night by showing his inexperience around weed.
Morrison, 18, was offered a bong at a house party on Dundas Street. Sources confirm he thanked the person, before lifting it to his lips and taking a quick swig of the bong water.
“Mmm, yeah... awesome,” Morrison had said. “I’m really getting that dank rush. This is a real killer bud, bro”.
Morrison then handed the bong back, before excusing himself to the bathroom.
When contacted for comment, Morrison claimed he was too intoxicated to remember his actions on the night.
“Nah, bro... I’d had like... FOUR Woodstocks, so I was pretty out of it by then, ae”.
“I’ve got a totally wicked hangover, too. I’ve had a whole bottle of blue Powerade already haha”.
After another year of crunching the numbers and analysing data, Pornhub have released their report for the year, confirming that your fetish is weird and that you should take a good, hard look at yourself.
“Hey, we understand,” said Pornhub’s Head of Statistics and Data, Casey McDonald.
“We all go a bit deeper down the rabbit hole than we’d like to admit sometimes, but my God, the kind of stuff you’ve been watching... Jesus...”
“We can all get behind some foot stuff every now and then, or may even an armpit video or two, but we had to make sure our team wore gloves while reviewing your data”.
McDonald confirmed that several changes had been implemented in the Pornhub offices since the report’s release.
“Not only have we bought in mandatory counselling sessions for those most affected by all this, but we’ve also installed a ‘Safe Search’ filter on their computers, for the PTSD”.
Six60 have today announced they are embarking on a massive 227-date tour of South America beginning in 2019, after reading the comment threads on their YouTube videos.
The tour, including countries like Brazil, Argentina and Paraguay, was announced after band management noticed the sheer volume of YouTube comments requesting they “come to Brazil!!!!!!!!!!”
Six60 vocalist Matiu Walters said the band was excited about breaking ground on a new continent.
“It’s crazy, isn’t it? We had no idea we had such a dedicated fan base over there!”
“Personally, I’m most excited to visit Colombia – apparently ‘white lines and blue skies’ means something completely different over there”.
In a surprise move, TVNZ have today announced that they have fired the writing staff for long-running soap ‘Shortland Street’, and will outsource the work to local community Facebook groups.
“We understand that this news may shock long-term Shorty fans,” said TVNZ CEO Kevin Kenrick. “But we feel as though we can source much more believable stories and scandal from the various news, gossip and buy, sell and trade Facebook pages in New Zealand.”
“We’ve already got some amazing storylines in the pipeline for the next few months”
“Jack tries to buy ‘sticky buds’ while under house arrest, Chris Warner will try to have the ghost of his great-great-grandmother exorcised from under his bed, and we’re introducing a ‘love-heptagon’, where half the cast sleeps with the other half, and half of the first half get pissed about it.”
Kenrick wouldn’t be drawn on rumours that the majority of the 1 News reporters were facing a similar fate.
“Look, I’m not confirming anything today, but unless I hear Greg Boyed reading out the minutes from the latest community meeting at the Huntly Civic Centre Complex, heads will roll”.
National's Deputy Leader Paula Bennett has today confirmed that her recent ejections from Parliament were not politically motivated, but rather part of her new weight-loss and exercise plan.
“I know it sounds unorthodox, but the results really speak for themselves,” said Bennett. “I’ve covered a lot of ground these past few days!”
“I’m feeling great... I’ve really got that satisfied spring back in my step! You know, the kind that normally comes from cutting social programs or drowning puppies, things are great!”
Bennett denied any link between her fitness regime and a rumoured snubbing from 2018’s season of ‘Dancing With the Stars’.
“They wouldn’t know good dancing if it smacked them in the face, anyway! I swear half of them are just a bunch of stupid little girls!”
A University of Otago student has today confirmed that despite living in his new flat for five months, he had yet to determine the ideal shower handle position to balance decent water pressure with hot water flow.
Jackson Whittaker (21) spoke with DUFP reporters today, saying he had yet to find a setting that didn’t result in either a “piss-weak trickle” of hot water, or a flow of water “as lukewarm as a Pākehā baby-boomer’s rendition of the Māori part of the national anthem”.
“Yeah nah, I should’ve had this sussed over the summer months”, said Whittaker. “But now I’ve got to work it out over winter in this mouldy shitbox that doesn’t even have a fucking heater”.
Whittaker went on to confirm that matters were further complicated by the constantly clogged drain, resulting in a puddle of water, shampoo suds and urine constantly threatening to spill over the shower lip.
“I’ll be fucked if I’m the one to clean it though. Can never tell if you’ve just touched shampoo or if it’s from a flatmate cheating on the crusty gym sock kept under the mattress”.