In a surprising turn of events, it was announced today that plans for a new Dunedin hospital would be scrapped ‘immediately’, and instead a second stadium would be built in its place.
Dunedin mayor Dave Cull said in an announcement that after a series of council deliberations, they had unanimously agreed that Dunedin ‘would be better off with a second stadium’.
“Besides, we already have a hospital”.
While little is known about the new stadium, it is understood that it will both be built at the site of the old Cadbury’s factory and will also be sponsored by the confectionery giants.
“The new Cadbury’s Stadium will be so beneficial to Dunedin – not only will it boost the city’s profile amongst New Zealanders, but it’ll also allow us to keep manufacturing Cadbury’s products exclusively for sale during matches and concerts”.
When questioned about the state of Dunedin Hospital and healthcare in general, Mayor Cull said “we feel as though seeing more quality sports matches, concerts and events will help EVERYONE feel better!”
“The entire facility will be wheelchair accessible, so anyone and everyone will be able to attend, no matter how debilitating their condition!”
While Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern is off on six weeks of maternity leave, acting Prime Minister Winston Peters has immediately made his mark on the position, throwing a seven-day party to kick off his tenure in the Beehive.
According to receipts dug from the trash, Peters alone consumed several bottles of single-malt whisky and multiple cartons of his favourite ‘Dunny Blue’ cigarettes before collapsing into his chair for the night.
Sources from within Parliament have reported that the clean-up has begun, with Peters frantically running around the Beehive, shoving empty bottles and cans into side rooms and broom closets while also opening windows to empty the ashtrays.
Green Party leader James Shaw was reportedly in tow, sorting out the trash into recyclable piles of glass and aluminium.
“He could at least TRY to separate the glass into different colours...”
Peters was last seen ordering a Rug Doctor over the phone, while organising the day’s agenda.
“And can someone tell that Garner prick that I’m far too hungover for his bullshit this early in the morning.”
In a shock announcement, the World Council for Music (WCM) has today confirmed that the world has officially run out of band names. The announcement came as a five-piece indie rock group from New York took the name ‘Allegory Allergy’, taking the last free band name left in the world.
“It’s come as a complete shock,” said WCM President John Phelan. “Never in our wildest dreams did we imagine that we, as a planet, would run out of band names to use.”
“We should have seen it coming, really. When we saw names like ‘Xxxtentacion’, ‘Imagine Dragons’ and ‘Snail Mail’ reach fame, we should have realised we were dealing with a very limited resource.”
As a direct result of the announcement, governments around the world are today putting legislation in place that will ration and redistribute any band names deemed to be ‘too long’, ‘overkill’, or ‘just plain douche-y’.
The Australian Government made their announcement at a press conference, where they revealed that local popular pop-rock group ‘5 Seconds of Summer’ would be sharing their name with another local group, with both bands becoming ‘2.5 Seconds of Summer’.
The New Zealand government has yet to make any such announcement, but early reports are indicating that Sol3 Mio would be ‘franchising’ out their name, adding ‘Sole M1o’ and ‘2ole Mio’.
Local man Thomas Lennon, known for his social media rants on how everyone is ‘so easy to be offended’ and are all ‘a bunch of snowflakes’ has today revealed how deeply hurt he has been by companies changing their Facebook profiles to include a rainbow aspect for Pride Month 2018.
“Typical bleeding-heart liberals!” said Lennon on his Facebook status update. “Where’s Straight Pride Month? I gotta say – I’m feeling a bit oppressed right now!”
When asked for clarification on his comments, Lennon took a break from writing comments on Stuff articles to elaborate.
“I mean, come on! We no longer hunt down gay people and bash them in the streets – how many more rights do they want?!”
“All I’m saying is, the world has gotten WAAAAY too PC-crazy! I can’t even unleash an expletive-filled tirade without having some bloody Labour-voter telling me to go back to 1950!”
“I’d bloody love to go back to 1950! Nothing bad at all happened in the 50’s!”
“And don’t get me started on those bloody Maoris!”
On a note pinned to his latest victim, the serial killer known as ‘The Bloody Blade’ has come out strongly against American president Donald Trump’s policy of separating the children of illegal immigrants from their parents and, on occasion, storing them in cages.
“LOOK, I OBVIOUSLY DON’T CLAIM TO BE PERFECT,” said the note, scrawled in the victim’s blood. “BUT I FEEL AS THOUGH THESE POLICIES WILL ONLY HURT THE MOST VULNERABLE IN THIS SITUATION: THE CHILDREN.”
“IS AMERICA NOT BUILT ON THE IDEAS OF LIFE, LIBERTY AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS?! YOU CAN’T BE TOO HAPPY TRAPPED IN A CAGE! (TRUST ME, I KNOW THIS.)”
A Police spokesperson released a statement today, saying they’d love to discuss Trump’s policies and their overarching effects in greater detail with the Bloody Blade, if he’d like to pop in for a quick visit.
“There’s certainly plenty to discuss!”
The police are now awaiting a response from the Bloody Blade, who is expected to reply in his usual format; with a trail of disembowelled and decapitated corpses.
“As far as methods of communication go, it sure beats trying to start World War III over Twitter!”
According to reports, local band ‘The Mercy Killings’ are on the verge of splitting up, sparked mainly by bassist Jon Greaves decision to never look at the camera for photos.
In a statement released on his social media today, Greaves said “bands need the talented guy to NEVER looks into the camera! It’s Music 101, really.”
“Looking away to something vaguely in the distance is so rock n roll! In some ways, it’s almost more important than playing the actual instruments!”
“Look, U2 has Bono and Train has that guy with the melted face. THEY don’t look into cameras, and they’re bands that everyone loves and respects for their art and image. Coincidence?”
“I’m not saying I’m the next Bono, but I’d like to think that some people out there will be saying that for me.”
While other Mercy Killings members have yet to release an official statements, drummer Al Park said to reporters that he hoped for a swift resolution.
“God, why did he have to look away from the camera? Everyone knows you have to start with small stuff, like wearing capes, or scarves in the summer.”
“Plus, he’s the fucking bassist.”
According to a report from your group of friends, that podcast you recommended the other day sounds REALLY awesome, interesting and informative, and that they can’t wait to totally listen to it as soon as they can.
“Oh wow, dude – I can’t wait to listen to that seven-part series on the economic impacts of the Crimean War on Portugal’s Jewish population. Sounds like something I’d really be into”.
The report mentioned that they were glad that you found the podcast ‘so enlightening’ and ‘really made you think’, and they will crack into it as soon as they finish that other podcast you recommended.
“Yeah, I’ll cue it up straight after I finish that trilogy on the history of pottery in Mozambique’s funeral homes.”
“I’m so glad to have a friend like you who refers me to such unique podcasts because they know that it’s relevant to my interests, rather than an attempt to come across as well-read and knowledgeable.”
“Who needs Hamish and Andy when I can have a two-hour recording of a guy sitting too close to a microphone in his shed?"
"Haha knowledge is power.”
It was confirmed by confidential sources today that local cafe worker Dani Ferguson scrolls through her Facebook feed without clearing her notifications; like a goddamn psychopath, or something.
Ferguson (20), a long-time user of various social media platforms, confirmed to DUFP reporters that she did, in fact, largely ignore the prominent red bubbles that notified users of comments, tags and other such social events that involved her.
“Yeah, I’ll get to them later.”
Ferguson said that she currently had ‘a few dozen’ notifications on her profile from the past month, and that she had no immediate plans to remove them.
“I don’t really care about some Minions meme that Mum’s tagged me in, or the latest racist article from Breitbart that Uncle John ‘simply insists’ I read. Yuck.”
Ferguson would not comment on speculation that her phone had other notifications she had yet to clear, including hundreds of unread emails, a bunch of apps that were available to update, and several dozen unread Tinder messages.
Following their barnstorming 52-11 victory over the French last weekend, the NZRU have taken steps to ensure another dominating performance this weekend – beginning with a blood sacrifice under the full moon.
NZRU CEO Steve Tew announced today that they ‘fully intended’ to continue with the tradition, occurring at the same time since 1903.
“Each year the NZRU have made the sacrifice to the gods of rugby, and each year, we continue to dominate the game. Coincidence? I don’t think so.”
The sacrifice, usually a soccer or rugby league fan, is chosen from people who make a point of saying rugby ‘should be called thugby’ and that they don’t think that players like Richie McCaw or Dan Carter ‘are anything special, compared to Pele or Shaun Johnson'.
Each year’s sacrifice is credited with both the ongoing dominance of NZ teams like the All Blacks, while also ensuring the production line has another perfect player ready to step up to the next level.
There have been years where the ritual has gone wrong, like in 2007, when the NZRU accidentally summoned Satan, who took the form of an English referee.
Startling news coming out of North Dunedin last weekend, as reports have surfaced saying that a notorious party terrorist hijacked the aux cord at a student on Saturday night.
Senior Constable Vince Wilson said that the perpetrator got ahold of the cord at roughly 1:30am, and promptly began playing music that killed the vibe of the whole night.
“It’s a tragedy really, thinking about all the vibes that were lost that night.”
The suspect, under indefinite name suppression, was taken away by police after cueing up a playlist that included bands like Nine Inch Nails, Alice in Chains and Rage Against the Machine.
“No-one’s saying that these are bad bands – not by any stretch of the imagination. But our suspect played these songs with no regard for the party’s vibe or the vibe of anyone else in the room.”
“He’ll be going away for a long time.”
Notorious music snobs ‘The Purists’ have taken credit for the night, and in a statement called for the cancellation of the upcoming ‘Pink’ and Shania Twain concerts.
“Pfft... mainstream music? More like LAMEstream!”