Minister for Social Development, Carmel Sepuloni has today announced a revolutionary new social program to better all of New Zealand that will be implemented from next year: conscription into retail services.
“It is our hope that by requiring all New Zealanders to serve at least six months in a retail environment, they’ll stop being such assholes to retail staff in future,” said Ms Sepuloni.
“Ideally, people will soon stop asking ‘to speak to the manager’ - seriously, how much of a dick move is that?”
“I mean, people bitch at retail staff all the time, as if they think they can change the T’s and C’s on a promotion, or knock a few more dollars off a total. How bloody delusional do they have to be?”.
A recent survey revealed that when 85% of retail staff were asked to ‘just check out back to see if you have any more there’, they would simply stand in the staff area with a coffee, before returning to the customer.
FIRST Union General Secretary Dennis Maga said “Oh my god, this is going to be amazing for New Zealand. I can’t wait to see Remuera housewives working the till at Maccas. This will be beautiful!”
“The customer is always right? Fuck off.”
Local student and BDSM aficionado, Sasha McMillan revealed to DUFP reporters today that after several years of study and exams at the University of Otago, she was now “fully into” being dominated by upcoming exams.
“I tried to ignore these feelings for so long, but now I’m okay with it”.
McMillan said that her double degree in law and politics had left her with little free time for non-course related activities, and she needed some time for herself.
“I figure I may as well try and make the best out of a bad situation... make sure I get mine, if you know what I mean”.
When asked whether she’d consider escalating her circumstances by taking extended study breaks, starting a new series on Netflix or having a big night out on the town, McMillan said she may consider it for next semester.
“I think I’d consider anything, really. Well, except for starting Crossfit”.
“You’ve got to be a glutton for punishment to do that”.
According to reports coming out today, local student Jacob Gersbach has completely turned his life around; getting up-to-date with his coursework, taking care of the large pile of laundry in the corner of his room, and shaving for the first time in months: a change he attributes to a picture in his girlfriend’s bedroom.
“I can’t believe it – I felt like I was circling the drain of life before I saw that,” said Gersbach. “I was ready to drop out of Uni, move home for the next few years... all those sorts of things.”
“‘Get up, dress up, show up and never ever give up’ - what a mantra! Did Gandhi write that?”
When asked for comment, Gersbach’s girlfriend Sophie Bolton said she was pleased with the changes Gerbach had made.
“I’ve been on his case for months about these things – if I knew it was this easy, I’d’ve gotten it as a lower back tattoo!”
Gersbach now says he plans to become a full-time life coach and motivational speaker.
“It won’t be easy, you know, but everything good in life is worth fighting for!”
“Remember: Hope is the little voice you hear whisper ‘Maybe’ when it seems the entire world is shouting ‘No’!”
In a surprising announcement this afternoon, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has been named as new Black Caps coach, taking over from Mike Hesson, who stood down yesterday.
“As soon as she found out that Mike was leaving, Jacinda had her coaching portfolio assembled and in front of us immediately,” said NZC CEO David White.
“We must say, her background is astounding.”
“Not only did she have a glittering indoor cricket career in her youth, but she also runs the whole country. It’s a record like that that you can’t ignore.”
When asked how she planned to juggle running the country, raising a child and taking on her new responsibilities with the Black Caps, Ardern said “if I can manage Winnie and the bloody Nats, I’m sure I can take care of eleven cricket nerds”.
As a symbol of her devotion to the new role, Ardern has said that she plans to name her child ‘Brendon McCullum’ if it’s a boy, or ‘Thighpad’ if it’s a girl.
Scientists today have confirmed that President Donald Trump has been overtaken by the erupting Hawaiian volcano, Kīlauea, as America’s biggest spewer of toxic material.
Kīlauea, erupting since early May, has been putting out a near-constant stream of noxious fumes, harmful lava and thick ash – a level of toxicity previously only ever seen on Donald Trump’s Twitter feed.
National Guard General Michael Rodriguez said in a televised statement today that they had managed to evacuate the “majority of Hawaiians” threatened by the volcano’s activities and hoped to have everyone accounted for “very soon”.
“At this point, we are unable to offer any information on those exposed to high levels of Donald Trump, but we do recommend that they evacuate and seek shelter somewhere with no internet access.”
Rodriguez continued, saying they were also busy calculating the costs of both disasters.
“Right now, we’re estimating a bill that’ll run into the hundreds of millions. We don’t really mind that one so much; we’re more pissed off that the history books will have that bloviating micro-penis of a Twitter twat as our Commander-in-Chief.”
Only days after celebrating their 37th birthday, New Zealand television institution ‘What Now?’ has announced the show will undergo a “gritty and twisted reboot” in 2019.
Head of WhitebaitMedia, Janine Morrell-Gunn, spoke with the media today to discuss these upcoming changes.
“When we decided to take the show around the country and film the show live on location for all of 2018, that got us thinking – how can we top that in 2019?”
“We quickly figured out that it would be amazing if we could reconnect the previous generations of ‘What Now?’ viewers with today’s broadcast.”
“With the success of gritty and dark reboots like the Batman trilogy, Riverdale and the Ghostbusters movie with the ladies, we figured it was a risk worth taking!”
Morrell-Gunn went on to describe some of the changes the show would be making over the next few months.
“We want to cover off topics like hardcore, long-term drug abuse, the effects of gentrification on the most vulnerable people in society, as well as police violence and racism for good measure.”
“We did make sure it’s not TOO graphic – if someone gets shot onscreen, green gunge comes out instead of blood.”
Following Steve Hansen’s failure to pronounce the name of rising star Te Toiroa Tahuriorangi, All Blacks management have today unveiled new policy to address the controversy.
“We’ve been speaking with everyone, and we think we’ve reached an optimal solution” said NZRU CEO Steve Tew.
“By calling all forwards ‘Not-Richie’ and all backs ‘Not-Dan’, we avoid both being labelled as racists, while also motivating the boys to play that little bit harder, like Dan and Richie would”.
When asked for comment, All Blacks players gave a mixed response.
“I really like it,” said Not-Richie McCaw. “Now I don’t need to worry about learning the names of every Tom, Dick or Harry who gets a call-up. Or should that be Not-Dan, Not-Dan, or Not-Richie?”
“I’m not really convinced at this point,” said Not-Dan Carter. “It’s pretty much the exact opposite of seeing your name up in lights”.
The announcement has been applauded by other members of SANZAR.
“We fully support the NZRU’s announcement today” said South African Rugby Union CEO, Jurie Row.
“However, we can’t help but feel the victims of double-standards after our policy around our squad’s ‘race-quota’ from last year.”
“By getting some of our boys under a layer of boot polish, we could achieve a wonderful racial balance in the squad – those bloody snowflakes saw an end to that, though.”
“It’s PC gone bloody mad.”