Blinking nervously and dabbing sweat from his brow, local man Mike Macallister spent the majority of his weekend frantically reassuring his girlfriend Kelsey Greene that his moaning of the Black Caps captain’s name in the throes of passion was, in fact, nothing to worry about.
Sitting with her arms crossed and a pursed look on her face, Greene had yet to speak a word to Macallister since he uttered the name of the New Zealand cricket captain whilst mid-coitus on Friday evening.
“I feel like such a fool,” said Macallister. “I’ve been so careful to keep the two main loves of my life seperate; cricket and Kelsey.”
“Kelsey’s a fantastic, intelligent girl, with a great personality, but Kane… he’s special to me. I just can’t get enough of that thing he does with his wrists.”
“And don’t get me started on that smile of his. It makes me weak at the knees, truth be told.”
Speaking exclusively to DUFP reporters, Greene said she was completely taken aback by Macallister’s exclamation.
“I thought things were going well on the night, but apparently I could be doing a bit more for his middle stump”.
Williamson could not be reached for comment at the time of publishing, but a representative from New Zealand Cricket said he appreciated being kept in the thoughts of all Kiwis, even in a ‘creepy ways like this’.
Brushing Dorito’s crumbs from his lap and pulling his stained t-shirt over his protruding gut, local man Andy Torrance expressed his disdain with how a popular American TV show ended its latest season, despite not paying for Sky for over ten years.
Torrance, an unemployed University graduate, said he felt ‘let down’ by the way the latest season’s story had developed and the way the characters had resolved their respective storylines.
“If I had actually paid to see any of that drivel, I think I would have written a letter to the editor, or at least made a few snarky posts on a fan forum somewhere,” said Torrance, downloading several other TV shows he had no intention of ever watching.
“I must say, I feel as though the standard of television around is slipping.”
At the time of writing, Torrance had several External Hard Drives worth of films and TV shows from all over the globe piled up on his desk.
“What can I say - I’m a connoisseur of media. If you’d like to learn more about my opinions on each show in excruciating detail, you can read the blog on my website. Or check out my YouTube channel.”
“But be sure to support me on Patreon - I don’t do this stuff for free!”
More to come.
After Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ announcement that she was stepping down as Donald Trump’s Press Secretary, the American President has moved quickly to announce her replacement - socialite and reality television star Kim Kardashian-West.
“I’ve been a fan of Kim’s since I saw her in a low-budget film with Ray-J a few years ago,” said Trump in a statement scrawled in crayon on White House letterhead.
“She really showcased her assets for that important project - I’ve got a position or two for her that I think she’ll fit.”
In a statement of her own, Kardashian-West said she was looking forward to working with the White House to the betterment of all Americans.
With her ever-developing background as a law student, Kardashian-West said she was hoping to develop positive race relations in the USA.
“I have a mixed-race family at home, and now I have an employer who’s the shade of pumpkin soup. If I cannot solve America’s deep-seated race issues, no-one can.”
Although it had yet to be confirmed, Washington insiders report that Kardashian-West’s husband Kanye was eyeing up a position as Donald Trump’s social media manager and hype man.
At a nationwide summit of car manufacturers today, CEOs from all major car brands announced their plans to unveil a new design of car headlights designed to completely and permanently blind all other road users.
“It’s been a long time coming,” said a Hyundai representative. “But we’re proud to finally be able to unveil these new lights that will completely and utterly blind any poor bastard you come across on the road.”
“Previously, we had several other models of headlights on the road that would slightly inconvenience oncoming drivers, maybe force them to squint, look away or hold their hands to their eyes.”
“But this new model really cuts to the chase - our top engineers and scientists believe that even a few seconds of exposure will leave permanent damage to the average eye.”
According to industry insiders, the new headlight model is planned to be released by October this year, and should give dickheads a few weeks to get them installed on their cars just in time for the Christmas holidays.
More to come.