The Ministry of Health have today unveiled their bold new plan for addressing the shortage of available organs and surplus of patients needing transplants – an ‘organ hire’ system that will see multiple patients share the same transplanted organ on a rostered basis.
“Simply put, there’s no way we can permanently provide organs for those who need them, on a permanent basis,” said Associate Minister of Health, Julie Anne Genter.
“However, by installing a roster where two or three people can share the transplant, then all our problems are solved! We won’t have to worry about an organ shortage when we can simply share them!”
According to initial reports, each organ recipient will have use of it for a maximum of five days at a time, with special dispensation granted for events like birthdays, weddings and funerals.
“We’re hoping that everyone can get along when it comes to sharing, but we aren’t anticipating any major issues along the way.”
This announcement comes after another Ministry of Health proposal was scrapped, that, according to reports, would have seen patients train at Medical School and diagnose their own ailments.
Everyone in your life would like to remind you that despite it occurring all those years ago, they still clearly remember that really embarrassing thing you did; almost as if it happened yesterday.
“Oh yeah, it’s still quite vivid in my mind, actually,” said your best friend. “We still have a good laugh about it whenever you’re not around, to be honest!”
“I could never live that kind of thing down – if it were me, I’d probably leave the country, to be honest!”
While there’s no firm number on exactly how many people remember that thing you did, the number is definitely growing. In last checking, at least a dozen more people had heard ‘rumours’ about what happened, while your grandparents are now refusing to look you in the eye.
While no-one has been able to get ahold of your medical records to confirm or deny anything, several people do have strong memories of exactly what happened.
“I still can’t believe that those specific sequence of events occurred! I mean, what are the odds?!”
“I think I lost a little bit of faith in humanity that night – I certainly didn’t feel as though there was a God after the dust had settled!”
“I’m sure you broke at least one law, absolute minimum.”
In an effort to address waning attendances at churches across the world, the Catholic Church has today unveiled their new marketing plan that aims to show their softer side - ‘Cat-holics’.
“Everyone LOVES cats – we all know that. We’ve just decided to really push that how great they are. Cats and Jesus – a winning combination!”
The marketing push aims to include more and more felines with every Catholic service, from Sunday Services, to baptisms, to even funerals.
“With the cats around, we’re hoping to put the FUN back in funerals!”
So far, the ‘Cat-holic’ approach has got audiences convinced. Parishioners have described the changes as ‘great’, ‘welcomed’ and ‘cuddly’.
“It’s just great”, said one church-goer. “We always thought the church could do with something like this... really shows off their more human side!”
According to reports, the church is also looking at involving dogs in the near future, with the working title of ‘Barking Mad for Jesus’ being bandied around.
Wonderful news coming from the Ardern-Gayford family today, with Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern announcing that she is already expecting a new arrival for early 2019.
This news comes just over a month after Ardern and partner Clarke Gayford welcomed their daughter, Neve Te Aroha Ardern Gayford, to the world, and according to a statement released by the couple, they are ‘over the moon’.
“This is just the best news we could’ve hoped for – the ability to add another young New Zealander to the world... It’s just awesome!”
“I’ve also decided to take the next nine months off as well; Winston’s been doing a pretty good job since I’ve been away”
“At the end of the day, I’m sure that all of New Zealand can get behind our little bit of good news. We’ve been overwhelmed with support since Neve was born, and we can’t wait to see what they’ll do next!”
Peters was seen rubbing his hands together and cackling maniacally, but from all accounts, that’s just how he celebrates good news.
In an announcement that has rocked both Hollywood and New Zealand politics, Winston Peters has announced that he is confirmed as the ‘male Māori actor’ sought to play a significant role in the new James Bond movie.
The film, with a working title of ‘James Bond 25’, had an open casting call for male Māori, aged between 25 and 55 to play henchman to the film’s main villain.
The film’s director, Danny Boyle, said that when Winston came in to audition, he turned the whole film on its head.
“Yes, when Winston came in, I was immediately sceptical – after all, he’s nearly 20 years over our ideal actor...”
“But when he started speaking, we all got chills running down our spines! His smooth, sneering and matter-of-fact tone meant we had a bunch of things to reconsider”.
Boyle immediately re-wrote the entire film, with Peters front-and-centre as main villain. Boyle cited his ‘withering gaze’ and ‘cold tone’ as key reasons for the changes.
“Winston is the villain I’ve been searching for my entire career. I wouldn’t be surprised if their was an Oscar in his future!”
The film’s plot is rumoured to be about a megalomaniac – played by Peters – who gains power of a small island nation through a series of shady deals and power grabs.
The film is scheduled for release in late 2019.
Man discovers passion for environment and clean eating minutes after matching hot vegan girl on Tinder
Local man Cody Lee (27) has today come to the realisation that he does, indeed, care deeply about the state of the natural world and is bothered by modern farming practises only mere minutes after matching with a hot vegan chick on Tinder.
“Nah, it’s been something that’s been on my mind for ages, ae.” said Lee, not really convincing anyone.
“I’ve always been an animal lover, only now it’s just that I don’t cook them”.
In the moments since matching with the vegan girl, Lee has already pledged to switch to an all-natural diet, walk to work each day and reduce the length of his showers by half.
“Hey guys, we’ve all got to play our parts! Did you know that if we all switched off lights we weren’t using, we could save so much energy, guys! SO! MUCH! ENERGY!
At the time of reporting, Lee had yet to hear back from his match, but according to sources, he’s confident of hearing back from her before this time tomorrow.
"Just a matter of time, y'know? The universe will give back to me what I put in!"
In a statement released today that literally no-one asked for, Simon Ewing, a local furry sex animator, put forward his thoughts on women’s reproductive rights in a 35-minute vlog titled “Why LITERALLY ALL Women Are Sluts”.
The video begins with Ewing (34) at his desk, detailing all the different ways that women have ‘hurt him’, before saying that they all deserve ‘what they get in the end’ and that he’s ‘such a nice guy’.
“All I’m saying is, since feminism became ‘a thing’, nice guys like myself have found life tough. It’s almost like they think that they’re too good for us, or something.”
“And yet despite all this, they’ll still date CHADS who are only into them for their looks. So fucking shallow.”
Ewing, notorious for his illustrations of furry porn and reimagining of children’s cartoons in sexual situations, has said on several instances that he ‘prefers’ 2D women, as they ‘cannot betray him’.
At the time of reporting, Ewing’s video has 19 views, four comments telling him to ‘keep up the good work’, three spam comments offering boner pills and one comment from his mum, telling him to clean up his basement bedroom.
In a statement released today by the Brotherhood of Voodoo Priests, all virginal sacrifices will now be conducted upon the world’s ‘Incel’ population, ending a longstanding relationship with the more traditional beautiful female sacrifice.
A spokespriest revealed the reasoning behind the decision. “After a series of inhouse discussions, we feel as though this decision is the best for the entire planet.”
“Not only are we using a more renewable energy source to preserve the earth’s environment, but we’re also improving the environment on internet message boards, forums and social medias.”
Converting all practising voodoo priests to a reliable source of Incel sacrifices is forecast to take upwards of seven months, but the Brotherhood is convinced that once completed, rituals will be better than ever.
“Have you seen how greasy and oily some of those guys are?! They’ll burn like a bloody birthday candle – which is exactly what we plan to use them for!”
Self-identifying as ‘Involuntarily Celibate’, or ‘Incel’ for short, these grown men believe there is a large conspiracy against them by the female population to deny them a relationship, when in reality, they are awful people.
In short, they believe the world ‘owes’ them sex and a submissive female partner.
They won’t be missed.
A local Dunedin man’s decision to change his Facebook profile image to a picture of the Grim Reaper smoking a joint and flipping the bird has sent ripples through the community, with many locals afraid to leave their houses.
Builder Daine Austin’s decision to remove his old profile picture, a selfie of himself with his pitbull Bella, and replace it with a devil-may-care image, highlighting his ‘don’t give a fuck’ attitude has already seen the suburb’s house prices fall by 15%.
“Look, I’m the kinda guy who wears his heart on his sleeve, and is proud of it,” said Austin to DUFP reporters.
“If they can’t handle my realness, then that’s their problem!”
At the time of reporting, several neighbours had taken to boarding up their houses, arming themselves, and praying for a swift and merciful end to their suffering.
Austin went on to confirm that he planned to get several new tattoos in the coming weeks.
“Yeah, gonna get a naked chick straddling a Mustang on my bicep and the band Five Finger Death Punch all across my back.”
“Shit’s gonna be so sick!”
In a show of athletic glory, former Black Caps pace bowler Chris Martin has smashed records on his way to posting a record unbeaten double century in the inaugural Martin Backyard Cricket Championship (MBCC).
In an action-packed innings that lasted nearly 45 minutes, Martin smashed an astonishing 24 fours and 16 sixes on his way to 215* in his allotted overs.
“It feels good to get some serious runs on the board today,” said an ecstatic Martin. “It really feels as though I’ve got the monkey off my back!”
“The ball was in the slot today, and you best believe I’m going to punish it!”
The Martin Backyard Cricket Championship, open to all members of the Martin family, was contested by Martin and his two daughters; Ruby (8) and Millie (6).
“The girls are very promising cricketers, but this is a competition, and you best believe I’m going for the throat!”
After batting out his overs, he quickly wrapped up the bowling, clean-bowling Ruby for 6, before a nasty bouncer felled Millie first-ball.
“It’s good to be the king!”