A leaked report from the Tenancy Tribunal has suggested that the rare Southern Right Whale currently residing in Wellington Harbour is already over $2,500 behind in rent and runs the risk of being evicted and blacklisted by the Wellington rental market.
“It’s a situation that no-one wants to happen,” said a Tenancy Tribunal spokesperson. “But we have to think of the larger Wellington rental market. We can’t let this amount of rent slide; it sets a dangerous precedent.”
“Plus, the whale is taking up valuable, rentable space. We could fit dozens of people-sized tenants out there – it’s prime real estate!”
When approached for comment, the whale simply commented that it “usually had no problem” paying rent, but felt that the rent demanded was “too high”.
“I mean, look around! It’s pretty damp!”
The Tribunal’s report ended by saying they didn’t anticipate any issues with retenanting the space.
“You couldn’t really get a better view of the harbour, even if you tried!”
University of Otago student and local resident Toby Keatings has taken it upon himself to put a fresh spin on his tried-and-true spaghetti bolognese recipe by adding a ‘pinch’ of mixed herbs.
“I just feel as though it’ll bring out a new dimension of the mince,” said Keatings, not taking his eyes from the saucepan simmering on the stove.
“I saw old mate Gordon Ramsey do this on his cooking show, it looked an absolute treat, too.”
Prior to this period of culinary experimentation, the extent of Keatings’ experimentation with flavour was salting mixed vegetables and buttering potatoes, but he says he’s ‘excited’ for what the future may bring.
“I walked down the spices aisle in the supermarket yesterday – wow! I used to think the only herbs and spices in the world were on KFC chicken!”
Keatings added he was looking into other ways to freshen up his approach to cooking, including using fresh vegetables, researching more about different herbs and spices, and buying meats other than beef mince.
It took only hours after last night’s Dancing with the Stars finale for the entirety of New Zealand to break down into a massive internal conflict, comparable to that of a civil war.
The show’s announcement that saw newsreader Samantha Hayes take out the top honour left millions of people around the country either dancing in the streets or shaking uncontrollably with rage, believing their candidate was the better dancer.
It wasn’t long before the first drop of blood was spilt, with David Seymour’s ‘Twerk Troop’ decimating a small number of Naz Khanjani’s ‘Naz-ty Girls’. Before too long, hundreds of Kiwis were lying dead in the street, thousands more hospitalised and Hamilton had been blown off the map.
Experts believe it will take several more weeks for the fighting to die down, unless a new hot reality show takes the country by storm.
A statement from the Acting Prime Minister's office pleaded for peace.
“It’s times like these that we need to focus on what unites us, not divides us. Be with those you love tonight, regardless of who they wanted to win.”
“And if you don’t think Sam deserved to win, you can catch these hands.”