Tragedy struck along the Information Superhighway today, with a several-story pileup of Fake News, leaving millions of people stranded and under-educated.
The crash, believed to have originated from a dodgy Russian vehicle, has been forecast to cost the general public several millions of dollars in repairs.
An immediate impact of the crash has seen millions of people across the globe being suckered into believing bogus and untrue news reports, especially your crazy uncle who shares those conspiracy theory articles on Facebook.
“Obama bin Laden’s putting chemicals in the water that makes the frogs gay! Benghazi! Chemtrails!”
Experts forecast that it may take up to 20,000 years until humanity can safely overcome the toxicity of the incident, an amount of time similar to the site of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster.
A representative of the United States government has said that everything is “fine”, and that the Russian vehicle involved was, in reality, a “fine piece of engineering” and “a real testament to the Russian people’s ability to fix things.”
“Believe me! Bigly!”.
In a clear sign of defiance against the government, New Zealand’s teachers have backed up their strike from earlier in the week by assigning each member of Parliament a 1,000-word essay on the major themes and underlying meaning of the strike.
“We’re hoping that by setting this essay as homework, we’ll also be setting a clear precedent,” said strike attendee and English teacher Helen MacAnuff.
“Teachers are sick of dealing with these working conditions.”
“The long hours and low pay have added up, and we’re hoping that Parliament will learn a thing or two about what we’re been going through while writing their essays”.
The PPTA have thrown their support behind the idea, as well.
“I can’t stop laughing at the idea of Winston Peters and David Seymour having to write essays again, as if they were back at school!” said PPTA President, Jack Boyle.
“If that doesn’t work, we can always make them bake a cake or something to raffle off as a fundraiser!”
“I bet Simon Bridges will try and sneak in some crappy Countdown sponge, though…”
In preparation for her upcoming role in a police procedural as the department’s resident computer and tech genius, local actress Alison Flynn purchased a pair of rimmed glasses to push up her nose, to signify to the audience that she ‘knows her computers and techy stuff’.
“To prepare for this role, I did a lot of research into computers and IT stuff. I changed my desktop background a few times and downloaded iTunes, so things are definitely going well!”
“I’m pretty sure that my training combined with my wardrobe will have everyone convinced that I know how computers work!”
“I’ll look like any other member of an IT Department!”
Flynn said she had also been practising her hacking skills.
“I’ve mastered the perfect way of saying “I’m in” once I’ve cracked the terrorist’s mainframe.”
“I am so good at computers!”
The new show, tentatively titled ‘Cop Squad’, has announced a series of other additions to the cast list, including a bland and generic white man to play the lead, a wise-cracking Māori guy as his partner, and an impossibly beautiful young woman as the love interest, specifically to further contribute to the body issues of thousands of young women around the country.
Rounding off the cast is an old white actor who’s from that movie you saw several years ago to play the role of the commissioner who slams his fist on the desk and demand the return of “your badge and gun, dammit”.
The show has already been greenlit for three seasons.
Reports are just coming in now that a local man who ate a dozen McDonald’s Happy Meals in a single sitting is ‘still sad’.
Henry Thompson, a local builder, ordered the takeout via UberEats late Saturday afternoon while home alone in bed with his laptop, marathonning early episodes of The Simpsons.
“I was just looking to kill some time really... You know, that awkward bit between Friday evening and Monday morning.”
“I’ve got to say, though... It wasn’t the worst way to spend 45 minutes. I got a couple of sweet toys from the Hotel Transylvania set, so that’s kept me busy a bit, too.”
“I was really hoping to fill a void in my life, but I’ve barely filled the void in my stomach, to be honest.”
Thompson has stated that he hopes next weekend will be a little more fun.
“I’ve heard there’s a few parties going on around the place. I might go to one or two of those and stand awkwardly at the back until I get the feeling everyone’s looking at me, then I’ll leave.”
“It’s good to have something to look forward to”.
In a move that shows they mean business, the Green Party have today publicly executed a local man guilty of double-bagging his groceries in single-use plastic bags.
Ignoring the cries and pleas for mercy from the victim, local man Ian Vaughan, Greens co-leader James Shaw gave MP Chloe Swarbrick the signal to begin the execution.
Vaughan was earlier this week convicted of double-bagging his groceries, a bunch of bananas, pottle of yoghurt and three potatoes, before walking home for dinner.
“Sure, it begins with yogurt and some potatoes, but before you know it, that bag will be suffocating some poor seagull as it makes its way offshore to get food for its young,” said Shaw.
“Mr Vaughan has essentially choked several dozen seabirds to death with his greedy appetite for plastic bags.”
The Green Party have confirmed that after the execution, Vaughan’s body will be composted and mulched in a nearby body of native trees.
“After all, we’re not monsters!”
The African Union has today announced that in a bid to create more unity between African nations, they would be changing the national anthem to each nation in the continent to Toto’s ‘Africa’.
“It’s certainly a bold move, but it’s a move that we believe will definitely pay off in the long run,” said African Union Assembly Chair Paul Kagame.
“The healing power of Toto’s music has helped millions of people the world over, so it should certainly help the continent from which it takes its name.”
“Plus it’s an absolute BANGER.”
The change is expected to occur in late September this year, with little to no disagreement from any government involved.
“I still remember the first time I heard that magical song,” said Ivorian president Alassane Ouattara.
“Who doesn’t have chills run up and down their spine when those drums come in just before the chorus?!”
The global response to the announcement has been swift, with several petitions quickly gaining traction in seeking to change other national anthems to the 1980’s pop-rock classic.
The leading petition, already with over 35,000 signatures, aims to have the United Nations declare it to be the song to ‘represent the entire planet’ and be the song that any alien lifeform hears first as they approach Earth.
Scientists from around the world have confirmed today that peeing with a boner is, in fact, more difficult and traumatic than childbirth.
The announcement, coming from the Global Science and Technology headquarters in Maryland, America, said that the announcement comes after years of research and investigation.
“It’s been a long-held theory,” said a GST spokesperson. “We’re just glad that we’ve played our part in proving it once and for all!”
“Today is truly a great day for science!”
According to the report, the pressures of accurately directing the stream of urine was nearly three times as stressful than a standard childbirth.
The report went on to add that despite having ample evidence to prove their hypothesis correct, you should – under no circumstances – EVER tell a woman this; especially if she is pregnant.
The spokesperson went on to add they were having trouble with conducting their latest experiment of which hurts more: childbirth or a kick in the nuts.
“We’ve found plenty of women who are willing to have a child for the experiment, but no men seem to be willing to take a shot to the nuts.”
“I guess that answers that question, too, when you think about it...”