In an attempt to settle the debate of when adulthood ‘officially’ begins, the world’s top scientists released a report this afternoon, confirming you ‘become’ an adult once you get spooked by loitering teenagers.
“The question of one ‘officially becomes’ an adult is one that has been debated about for years,” said Head Researcher Jorgen Schneider, from his laboratory in Zurich, Switzerland.
“Many people have put forward their own opinions, but we can safely say now that it occurs the first time you get slightly nervous when you’re about to walk past a bunch of teenagers who are just standing around”.
“Please bear in mind that this is not the same as being nervous when walking near a group of racial minorities – that’s just called 'Being an Asshole'”.
Schneider said he was looking forward at investigating several other changes in people’s psyche over the coming years.
He noted upcoming studies, including finding traits in children that indicate their likelihood of becoming a ‘Flat Mum’, if ‘Fuck Boys’ occur naturally in the wild, and uncovering the exact amount of RTDs it takes for a repressed religious teenager to begin exploring their sexuality.
“Truly, we are doing God’s work”.
Proctor of Otago University, Dave Scott, has today announced he will be leading an elite squad of highly-trained commandos and mercenaries to further combat the spread of the dastardly chronic among Dunedin students.
Scott, who rose to national prominence after showing extreme levels of bravery in the apprehension and destruction of several reefer-injection implements, says he’s prepared to go to the ends of the earth if it means the innocent students of Otago University are free from the intoxicating power of jazz cabbage.
“It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Scott in a statement made this morning.
“I’ve assembled a team of a dozen battle-hardened soldiers from around the world, and we’ll be patrolling the mean streets of North Dunedin, battling the many violent and aggressive pot-heads and weed-slingers that pollute this great city”.
“Mark this day in history, Dunedin! You’ll no longer have to fear falling under the influence of any dank kush or nuggs of skunk weed – me and my boys are on the case!”
Unfurling a banner with the group’s name, ‘Weed Whackers’, Scott went on to reveal more details about his mission.
“We’ll stop this evil deader in its tracks than Bob Marley!”
“At the very least, we’ll probably just expel some kids for having some on them and chuck them in prison for a while. Problem solved!”
“Remember - say ‘Nope to Dope’, kids!”
Shaking his head and keeping one hand firmly wedged down the front of his pants, local pervert Danny Turner has today expressed his dismay that the yoga session he attended wasn’t at all like the music video for the Eric Prydz song ‘Call on Me’.
“God, when I saw that video, it was as if I’d opened my third eye for the first time – and no, not the third eye that got me in trouble with the cops last month”.
“I mean I knew it wasn’t going to be EXACTLY like the video – I figured there’d be a few other guys there who’d seen the video as well and were hoping to catch an eyeful as well”.
“But I was certainly expecting a lot more bending and stretching, especially with some extremely suggestive imagery in the background”.
Turner, a 31-year-old unemployed anime enthusiast who still lives with his mother, said he was prepared to take a different class, in case the ‘hotties’ had a session of their own later in the week.
“I just know that once the ladies see how well I can ‘Downward Dog’, they’ll be all over me!”
Turner, a 3 out of 10 on a good day, also had several suggestions on how the yoga studio could improve their branding.
“I mean, why call it ‘Hot Yoga’ when no-one there’s hotter than a 6 out of 10?!”
A report coming out from the ICC today has revealed that over 70% of cricketing terminology is made up on the fly by various commentators, umpires and players in an attempt to make the game seem more legitimate.
The report, titled “Bullshit in White: Making Up Stuff In the Field” has exposed thousands of people involved in cricket as having ‘little-to-no’ background in the game, and instead ‘just makes up field positions, tactics and other stuff on the fly’.
“I mean seriously, did anyone truly think ‘silly mid-on’ is a thing?!” said ICC Chief Executive Dave Richardson.
“For the most part, we were just watching in stunned silence as these guys just made shit up to impress the younger guys in the team, who ended up passing it on to the generation after them”.
“Nature is truly a beautiful thing!”
The report offered several suggestions to combat the flow of misinformation.
“Firstly, no-one in the team over the age of 40 is allowed to say anything, other than sledge opponents. That’s the one place we want them to focus their bullshitting talents.”
“Also, we’re going to give fielding positions more logical names, like ‘really-close’, ‘kind-of-close’ and ‘more-far-away-than-close’.
“We’ll also officially rename the slip cordon to it’s lesser-known names, ‘Fat Bastard #1’, ‘Fat Bastard #2’, so on and so forth.”
“There are some parts of the game you just don’t change”.
As a way of separating her job application from hundreds of others, local woman Jess Beale dropped to one knee and pledged an undying oath to provide a wonderful level of customer support to the masses of ungrateful idiots she’ll encounter on a daily basis.
“I know it’s just a job in fast food, but I REALLY need the money. Hopefully if I tell them I LOVE helping hungover idiots feel less crap on Sunday morning, that’ll put me over the edge and get me the job”.
Beale, 25, is currently studying for a PhD. at Otago University, and said that she felt as though the process for applying for minimum wage jobs was ‘more intense’ than any pressure she’d undergone as a student.
“Jesus Christ, it’s giving greasy food to greasy people, all on minimum wage, too! I shouldn’t have to be going through all this rigmarole, but here we are!”
Coming out of her interview with the manager, she reflected on her interviewing style.
“I hope my ‘enthusiasm’ face wasn’t too over the top – my cheeks started to ache after 5 minutes of smiling like Willem Dafoe”.
“But hey, I wore a clean top and had my shoes on the right feet... I’m quietly confident I’ll get the job”.
In an attempt to indulge the cruel and unusual whims and fancies of the average Kiwi TV viewer, twelve unfortunate souls have been vomited from the safety of obscurity into the harsh spotlight of ‘reality’ television with a new season of ‘Married at First Sight’.
Claiming to be seeking ‘true love’, these unfortunate sacrifices will have to endure weeks upon weeks of comments about simultaneously being too fat and too skinny, too bitchy and not bitchy enough, and just having a ‘punchable face’.
“I can’t wait to be an Instagram star and brand ambassador, just like Matilda Rice!” said one contestant, not knowing they would be part of the first couple eliminated.
“I just know New Zealand is going to love me!” said another fame-hungry hopeful, unaware she will be the target of sadistic bullying efforts for the next several years, pushing her towards a crippling drug habit and several stints in mental health facilities.
When asked for comment on the new season, the show’s producers laughed deeply before going back to counting their money and making a sacrifice on an altar to Satan.
“I predict that the couples will have several low and high points across the season”, said the relationship expert, who seemed to get their certification from a cereal box.
The series is set to premiere ‘soon’ and you already know you’ll watch the whole thing, you disgusting piece of voyeuristic filth.
In alarming news, every scientist in the world has gathered to announce that that thing you’re doing right now is more than likely putting a big ol’ cancerous tumour somewhere in your body.
“We really want to emphasise that the action that you’re currently performing with your body is, like, tripling your chances of developing some sort of horrific cancer in the near future”.
“You’d be best to not do that thing, and do something else instead”.
“No, God! Not that! That’s even MORE dangerous!”
“You might as well go for a swim in toxic waste, since you’re so intent on playing with fire here!”
The scientists went on to announce they had assembled a comprehensive diet and lifestyle plan to combat these potential cancerous threats to your life.
“By removing everything that could potentially bring joy to your life, we believe we’ve compiled a guide to live by; entirely healthy, cancer-free and fucking miserable”.
“We just recommend that you don’t review the plan on your cellphone, in case the tips of your fingers become cancerous, or on your laptop, in case you develop lap cancer – it kills 15,000 people a year around the world.”
“A real silent killer”.
“We’d recommend having the report printed on hemp paper and read from the safety of your own giant plastic bubble”.
“Just watch out for paper cuts”.
Big news for all Apple fanatics out there – as part of the announcement of the new iPhone models, Apple CEO Tim Cook revealed that each phone would be set up to exclusively play U2 on Apple Music, removing all other music from the streaming service from 2019.
“We figured that after our last exclusive release with U2 went so well, we’d take it a step further with our new iPhone release”.
“By removing literally all non-U2 content from Apple Music, we’re hoping to introduce a whole new generation to the awesome riffs of The Edge, incredible basslines of Adam Clayton, rhythmic drumming of Larry Mullen Jr. and Bono’s there too!”
“It’s a win for absolutely everyone!”
Other artists have already begun to react to the announcement, with Kanye West tweeting his disgust over several dozen messages to Apple, Jay-Z trying to make ‘Tidal’ still happen, and Paul McCartney releasing a half-hour snippet of himself laughing uncontrollably.
On their various social media pages, U2 have announced they plan to release several new albums in the coming months, as well as releasing dates for a never-ending world tour.
DUFP reporters spoke with several younger attendees of Apple’s announcement, and received a resounding reply.
Local burger-flipper Corey Swanson spent the best part of an hour weighing up the pros and cons of a life of crime today, while checking the payslip from his minimum wage job.
Sources confirm that Swanson, 23, was envisaging life as a hardened gangster, roaming the mean streets of Dunedin, rather than an overworked and underappreciated fast food employee in Caversham.
“Could I live with myself, though?” he asked himself.
“Sure, I’d be able to afford rent each week, plus a little on the side so I don’t end up starving to death, but could I live with the idea of pushing around the little guy? Being a super-tough street thug?”
Swanson was said to have a ‘far-away look in his eyes’ and a ‘slight smile’ on his face while day-dreaming, almost as if he was picturing whacking his boss and dumping the body into a nearby reservoir.
“A man can dream, can’t he?”
Swanson was part-way through designing his multi-million-dollar mansion in Maori Hill before being rudely interrupted from a text from his boss, calling him in to work a double-shift that night.
“Sure, Al Capone died a prisoner, but he died a RICH prisoner”.
“And you can be DAMN sure Capone would never have to cover Tracey’s shift because she’s off ‘sick’ again for the third Friday night in a row!”
In a statement released today by CEO Reed Hastings, Netflix has asked all clients to “please remember to rewind the show or movie they’ve just finished watching”.
The surprising request came after Hastings revealed the streaming giants had teams of employees working “around the clock” to reset the progress of each movie and show prior to the next viewer queuing it up to watch.
“As you can probably imagine, it all takes a toll on them when they have to constantly keep taking episodes of ‘Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt’, ‘Stranger Things’ or ‘Daredevil’ back to the start every forty minutes or so”.
“Even on 30x rewind, we’re losing precious seconds”.
Hastings went on to explain the methods that Netflix had used in the past to buy time in between streams.
“We made the decision to label the rewind time as ‘buffering’, when really, there’s no such thing. We also chuck in a ‘Connectivity Issue’ or two to buy us those extra seconds, sometimes”.
“But seriously, we’ve got guys developing Carpel Tunnel here. It’s hardly a new mantra: ‘Be Kind, Rewind!’”
“People don’t seem to realise that we’ve only got, like, three or four copies of each episode or movie – and most of those are DVDs!”
“We started off as a DVD company, and by god, we’ll die as a DVD company”.