In surprising news, the immigrant caravan slowly making its way north from South America has released a statement today, saying they now plan to avoid settling in America, and now plan to cross their northern border into Canada.
A spokesperson from the group said that many of those who made up the caravan had “already escaped a murderous and unhinged dictator” in their home countries, and had “no plans to settle in a country ruled by another one”.
“We’ve all been keeping a close eye on the news in America recently, and we’ve decided that we couldn’t risk the safety of our families by settling in a place that’s ravaged by violent political discord, drug wars and a malnourished population”.
“That’s why we’ve made the decision to push further north, until we reach Canada. With their more progressive politics and higher quality of life, we’re hoping to become functioning members of their society”.
In the days since making the announcement, the caravan has received applications from several thousand Americans, hoping to join them on their search for a better life further north.
“It’s heartbreaking, really. You could almost say their country has become a bit of a shithole... but we won’t say that. We’re much too polite.”
The spokesperson went on to confirm they would be performing strict background checks on those who apply to join them.
“You can’t let just anyone in, of course,” they said. “You never know who was crazy enough to think that Trump’s politics would work – that’s someone we certainly don’t want around here.”
More to come.
A student’s last-minute decision to cut two eye holes in a dirty sheet and attend a Halloween party as a ‘spooky ghost’ has seen him take home the award for Dunedin’s ‘Best Halloween Costume’, as literally no-one else gave a fuck.
The unnamed student was reported as saying “I had totally forgotten about this party, actually”.
“It was about fifteen minutes away from all kicking off when I remembered the whole ‘costume’ aspect of the night. Luckily I had a bedsheet spare that I transformed into some kind of ghost, or whatever”.
Upon arriving at the party, the winner quickly found that he was the only person who bothered to attempt any kind of costume, with the other party-goers using the night as another excuse to wear less clothes than they normally would, and drink to excess.
“I mean, in some ways I feel like a bit of a fool, but hey, I’ve got this plastic trophy here that says I did the best costume in the whole of Dunedin on the night, so... yeah... silver linings and all that”.
“If I did have any complaints about the night, it’s that more people thought I was trying to cosplay as a Klansman, but that’s the downside of picking a sheet with a slightly pointy tip”.
“But hey, someone did end up giving me a Moro bar”.
With his foot planted firmly on the accelerator and middle finger raised in anger, local man Derek Rose hoped any glimpse of the ‘absolute fool’ he could get would be enough to confirm any of his underlying biases against anyone who wasn’t a young, white guy.
“There was a fair bit of glare on the window, so I couldn’t quite see if they were some chick or an Asian dude, but shit, man, they definitely drove like them!”
Rose, a 32-year-old unemployed builder, has had his own driver’s license suspended several times since starting driving, but that doesn’t stop him having strong views on the future of New Zealand’s roads and those who drive on them.
“Bloooody foreigners! Over here, killing OUR people on OUR roads! We were killing our own people on our own roads for years!! Just another example of this limp-wristed Labour government!”
“And don’t get me started on females or the elderly!”
At the time of reporting, Rose driving himself to his local WINZ office to collect his latest unemployment check, narrowly missing hitting several pedestrians and cutting off at least three other cars.
“Look at this moron... doesn’t even know the bloody road rules! Place your bets: old, Asian or a woman??”
“Oh shit, it’s a bloke like me... Must just be heading home after a hard day’s work.”
“Onya, mate! Have a beer on me, bro!”
With fingers crossed, local woman Hannah Fletcher surveyed the menu at her local Tank Bar, in the hopes of finding a meal deal combo that could offset the damage done to her body after a long weekend abusing the cigs and piss.
“Sooo... which is better at scrubbing the tar from my lungs – an antibiotic, or copious amounts of Vitamin C?”
“I mean, I got through so many Dunny Blues over Labour Weekend, you could seal a road with the stuff in there!”
Fletcher, an investment banker, has made a habit of giving in to her many vices over her weekends and holiday breaks, hoping that a salad and juice combo would help her purge the toxins from her system.
“How many bananas will it take to offset two bottles of cheap rosé? Maybe if I add some mango, I’ll be able to shake this hangover I’ve had since 2016...”
“I’m not as young as I used to be – I may need to start taking Omega-3 tablets in the mornings!”
When questioned about her lifestyle choices, she became quite defensive.
“Look, if downing a bottle or two of cheap wine from the supermarket, a pack of ciggies and something greasy from Maccas at 2:30am is ‘wrong’ all of a sudden, then I sure as shit don’t want to be ‘right’!”
Citing a lack of genes required to produce a respectable ‘cookie duster’, local man Ernie Taylor has declared his intention to take a ‘running start’ into Movember, christening the week-and-a-half before the start of the month as ‘Moctober’.
“I just feel as though there needs to be some sort of special dispensation given to those who would normally LOVE to take part in what is a great thing for charity,” said Taylor today.
“By creating ‘Moctober’, we’ve given men who struggle to grow ‘lip foliage’ a safe space to lay the groundwork for what will hopefully be a fine example of a mouth mirkin”.
“No longer shall we cower in the shadows, fearful of the roasting we get whenever we try to grow a goddamn moustache!”
The campaign, already with several dozen fans on Facebook, has drawn comparisons with the work done by various civil rights figureheads over the last several decades.
One social media commenter was quoted as saying “If Gandhi or MLK had their heads screwed on properly, we wouldn’t have to fight for the right to grow a moustache without being called a ‘creep’ or a ‘pedo’,”
“Ah well... Live and learn, I say”.
When pressed about the future of the of the Moctober movement, Taylor said he was hoping to expand into other fields of life.
“There’s so much work to be done out there,” he said.
“I refuse to feel inferior for not being able to change a tire, put up shelving or properly drop-kick a rugby ball. The shaming ends here!”
It’s taken you several years to build the perfect Facebook profile; balancing family and friends on the same news feed, but all of that looks set to come crashing down around you: Mum’s found out what memes are.
The first warning shot came across the bows several weeks ago, when Mum shared a Minions meme about wanting another glass of wine.
“Hahaha this one really made my day! The little Minion men are the funniest thing on the internet right now! I’m off to pour myself another glass of wine!” she captioned the image, three years after it was originally posted.
“Don’t tell the hubby!”
“Oh, you are a hoot!” came back several replies from different people. “Pass on my love to the family!”
In a steady decline since then, Mum has become a fan of several different meme pages, usually themed around Minions regurgitating ‘sassy’ phrases from multiple decades ago, or around drinking copious amounts of red wine.
At this point, your options are limited. Between enduring the barrage of dated pop-culture references and straight up blocking her, no options presents itself as optimal. There is always the ‘nuclear option’ - deleting your social media presence and starting again on MySpace.
More to come.
Local Gore man Henry Matthews has today taken his brand-new camouflage-style ‘Make America Great Again’ hat into town, hoping he’ll be able to both display his intolerant political views in public, while hiding it from public backlash at the same time.
Matthews, a 45-year-old farmer, has never left the lower South Island for more than three days at a time, but still has strong views on immigration, especially in regards to Syrian refugees.
“Don’t let ‘em in, I say,” Matthews said, balancing a piece of straw in his mouth. “They made their mess with starting this war, they can damn well stay there until they clean it up!”
Aside from his prehistoric views towards immigration and minorities, Matthews has several other positions on issues that he is more than happy to share with others, mostly without them asking to hear them.
“Gays? Don’t like ‘em. Liberals? Bunch of pansy snowflakes. Atheists? Don’t even get me started!”
Matthews says that he plans to invest in several large ‘Pepe the Frog’ posters, a replacement MAGA hat in case his current one should be stolen and several ‘Donald Trump is my president!’ posters, despite never having visited America.
“He’s certainly the president of my heart. But, y’know, not in a gay way”.
After threatening the potential of more teachers’ strikes in the near future, the New Zealand Educational Institute (NZEI) have today said they are willing to return to work under current conditions if they regain the ability to hit children in the classroom.
A Union representative said they were ‘tossing up’ between striking for more pay and striking for the ability to back-hand a little wiseass who keeps getting lippy and disrupting the class.
“Sure, we’d love to feel as though we’re finally getting paid what we’re worth after decades of being ignored and overlooked, but the ability to rule a class with an iron fist and have no-one talk back once we’ve said something is pretty attractive, too”.
“Let’s face it – there’s a REALLY good chance that your ‘little angel’ is actually a wee shit who’s lived life on a VERY long leash”.
The NZEI have calculated the numbers behind their proposal and claim that the costs of medical care for children will be ‘hundreds of thousands of dollars’ less than the cost of an increase in wages and conditions.
“We put our top economics and maths teachers on this, and every time we run the numbers, it becomes more and more alluring to put the boot into the kids – and I mean that very literally”.
The NZEI went on to add they were willing to negotiate on the levels of punishment doled out.
“We will hear the government out on what they deem as an ‘appropriate’ punishment”.
“For example, the lowest we want to go is putting the kids in the tackle-bags for the first-fifteen at the local high school, but we draw the line at making the kids do something truly scarring, like watching reruns of David Seymour’s twerks on Dancing with the Stars”.
“At the end of the day, we don’t want to DAMAGE the kids, just punish them”.