In a stunning announcement, the world’s geneticists have announced they may have found the secret to New Zealand’s domination of rugby: it’s literally in our DNA.
The announcement, coming off a four-year study into New Zealand’s continued domination of the oval-ball game, was made today from a laboratory in Geneva, Switzerland.
The head researcher, Professor Yann Schmidt, declared that after “hundreds of millions of dollars” and “several years of hard work”, they had finally concluded that rugby was indeed in the DNA of every New Zealander.
“You can see it quite clearly in the shape of the DNA of the average New Zealander – a clear rugby ball shape.”
“We can only assume this is why such a small population of people have dominated one of the biggest sports in the world for over one hundred years.”
The study had hoped to include samples from Australia, but researchers were unable to secure a sample.
“We couldn’t even secure a Petrie Dish of bacteria from Australia. Is this what people mean when they say ‘Australia has no culture’?”
After watching his young son eagerly rip the wrapping paper off his brand-new drone Christmas present, local father Tom Bridges has spent the last few hours playing with it, under the guise of ‘testing the controls’.
“You can never be too sure. If something’s defective, I want to make sure we take it back in tomorrow and exchange it for a better one” said Bridges, with a beer in one hand and the controller in the other.
“I’d hate to think that this gift could accidentally hurt someone! This isn’t just me hogging an awesome gift for the day!”
“It may have had his name on the box, but it’s clearly a family gift!”
Bridges’ actions today follow a clear pattern he has been on since he was young. Sources say he has 'taken over' gifts of kites, go-karts and game consoles over the years, and the people closest to him aren’t surprised he’s done it again.
“Par for the course, really,” said his brother, Frank.
“It took me about two weeks to even touch the go-kart, and that was only after he broke it”.
Sources indicate he was already eyeing up a VR headset for the next birthday on the calendar, regardless of whoever was due for it.
“Is it Mum, Aunt Mary or Frank up next? No matter, I’m sure they’ll be as blown away by it as I will be!”
News straight in from the playground now, as everyone’s just finding out that Nick’s mum – who’s really cool – let him get a sick lightning bolt shaved into his head for his new haircut!
Ever since the divorce, Nick’s been getting all sorts of really cool stuff from his parents, like game consoles, new bikes, and now this! He must be the happiest and most-fulfilled kid in school!
You can tell Nick’s loving his new life with two families – you see it on his face every day when he’s being dropped off at the school gates and crying tears of joy. I mean, he must be REALLY happy, judging by how many tears there are!
Whether he’s with his dad and his new partner – his old babysitter – or with his mum, who living a ‘#badbitch’ lifestyle, whatever that means, Nick looks like he’s having an experience that will really shape him in the near future!
And don’t get me started on TWO Christmasses!
Some kids have all the luck!
The entire female population of New Zealand breathed a collective sigh of relief today, after being reminded that ‘Not All Men’ commit violent assaults and crimes against them, in the wake of the Grace Millane tragedy.
In the days since the murder of English backpacker Millane by a New Zealand man, comment sections have been awash with comments from men, mentioning how ‘Only Some Men’ commit these crimes, and how they would never do such a thing themselves, because they are ‘Nice Guys’.
“Yeah, this guy was nuts, but I would never do anything like this, EVER,” said one commenter.
“You’re welcome, ladies”.
Another commenter went on to say that since they had never seen someone threaten a woman in their immediate vicinity, the problem was clearly ‘overblown feminazi propaganda’.
“More bloody liberal lies, I reckon. There are kids starving in Africa, and we’re here talking about this? Crazy stuff.”
The commenters went on to add they ‘Wouldn’t Apologize’ for the actions of a few ‘Lone Wolves’, saying the actions of a few members of a societal group did not accurately reflect the group as a whole.
Many of the commenters did not have the same viewpoint for the world’s Muslim population, with several dozen comments on the next article calling for a hair-trigger reaction to rising immigration levels.
“If we don’t make a stand, then the end is nigh. I’d like to think if I was a Muslim, I would be trying to make real positive changes in my community.”
Waking last night in a cold sweat surrounded by newspaper articles, printed-off blog posts and opinion pieces, local woman Alex McDermott concluded she could no longer differentiate between the ‘tongue-in-cheek’ satirical news articles and ‘honest-to-god’ actual reporting.
McDermott, 26, is the latest victim of what several psychiatrists are calling ‘News Dissociative Disorder’, or NDD.
“Things could certainly be a lot worse – especially if you’re an avid viewer of Fox News or you put credence in anything Mark Richardson says,” said Dr Vinay Patel, an NDD expert.
“With some of the crazy crap that’s going on in this world of ours, it definitely is becoming harder and harder to separate fact from fiction.”
Dr. Patel went on to describe a new coping mechanism his team had developed to help sufferers cope with the effects of NDD.
“We call it the ‘Trump Test’, and it’s basically where whenever you hear a news report about anything the current American President has said or done, you say to yourself ‘This may or may not be truthful, but I’ve got a million better things to do than worry about anything he gets himself into’”.
“So far, we’ve seen participants experience lessened stress levels and increase their overall happiness levels. I think we’ve found a cure”.
Other experts suggest the effects of NDD can be lessened by putting your damn phone down once in a while.
More to come.
An alarming report released today has confirmed that all of your Christmas memories from your childhood are inaccurate bollocks, and that your family has ALWAYS been as dysfunctional as they are today.
“This is correct,” said the lead researcher.
“Your uncle has ALWAYS gotten too drunk too early and got too handsy with your aunt in front of everyone and grandad has ALWAYS made the mood of the room awkward with some racist jabs at some minority group that had ‘done him wrong’”
“It didn’t just magically start after you left home for university – it’s pretty much been going on since Day 1”.
The report went on to praise the efforts of your mother and father, who had both done a spectacular job in shielding you from the ongoing shitshow that is your extended family.
“Sure, they might have plonked you in front of a DVD for an hour or two on Christmas Day, but that was only so they could slap some sense into one of your uncles who was coma-ing out on a lawn chair, screaming at pedestrians”.
“And don’t even get us started on the feud that’s been going on between your aunt and grandmother for the last fifteen years – the crazy part is, they don’t even remember who started it! Something to do with cooking Christmas lunch, I think?”
It’s not all bad news though, with the report confirming that your grandmother does genuinely love the Christmas Tree topper you made in primary school, saying it ‘almost made up for how much of a little prick your father was when he was younger’.
More to come.
A local Dunedin landlord has today confirmed that he believes that a plank of wood nailed across a gaping hole in the wall of a bedroom in a local student flat is ‘sufficient’, and that ‘they won’t even notice’.
Dean McIntosh, a local banker who ‘dabbles’ in the rental market, plans to spend ‘no more than a week or two’ doing much-needed repair work on several of his rental properties, despite them being in poor and unliveable conditions.
“Holes in the walls? Nothing a 2-by-4 can’t fix! Black mould? I’ll probably whack a coat of paint over it or something.”
“I’m getting really good at this landlord thing – it’s hardly even costing me anything to the repairs! The wood I’m using has come from a tree I cut down in the backyard and I got this paint for next to nothing! Something about lead content or something…”
Despite the painstaking level of care McIntosh has put into his work, he says he has yet to receive any inquiries for tenants in 2019.
“It’s almost as if they don’t want to pay $150 a week for a place with no insulation or double glazing, poor water pressure and broken glass scattered everywhere!”
“Bloody millennial snowflakes!”
In spite of such a poor response, McIntosh is still optimistic about his chances of landing tenants, and even more enthused about his DIY prowess.
“Mate, I’m thinking of signing up for The Block next year or something!”