American President Donald Trump has wasted no time reacting to the news that the House of Representatives have voted to impeach him, releasing a statement today saying that he is 'not a fan of peaches' and he 'hadn't even eaten a peach before'.
In his full statement, Trump went on to slam those in the media who were reporting on the result of the vote, saying he was the victim of the 'worst witch hunt in the history of American politics'.
"Imagine saying a man of my stature would be a fan of fruit and vegetables like peaches!"
"No other American president has undergone such a disgusting level of harassment" he added, conveniently forgetting the four Presidents who were assassinated while in office.
"I know that my supporters are smart enough to see through this Fake News".
More to come.
Saying he was saving them 'for a rainy day', YouTuber and self-described 'critic of society' 'ShadowFang89' today recorded several apology videos for indiscretions he had yet to commit.
ShadowFang, better known as Keith Moore, said he wanted the apologies pre-recorded on his hard drive with clear edit points where he could slip in exactly what he had done that warranted the apology.
Moore, a 32-year-old insurance salesman, had built a 'following' of a few dozen subscribers who sporadically tuned in to his videos and streams that covered everything from video games and movies, to politics, pop culture and society in general.
"I figure when I eventually make it big, I'll have people who are wanting to take me down just because of some of the awful and toxic stuff I've said in the past."
"These pre-recorded apologies mean I can now focus entirely on bringing the masses what they want: two-hour long analysis videos on anime boob physics."
Moore went on to add that had planned out several more apology video templates, including everything from dropping racial and homophobic slurs, to casual sexism, and general nastiness and bullying.
"I am truly a cross-genre creator".
As part of her regular press conferences, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has today announced that from January next year, New Zealand's national anthem will include the chorus of the seminal country classic 'Wagon Wheel' as its third verse.
"We just felt as though 'Wagon Wheel' encompassed everything that makes Kiwis, Kiwis" said Ardern, on the steps of Parliament.
'Wagon Wheel', originally written by Bob Dylan and Ketch Secor in 1973, describes a hitchhiking journey along the East Coast of the United States as the narrator hopes to reach his lover.
"It's beloved by Kiwi legends like Ritchie McCaw, so you know it's good." Ardern continued.
"No matter where you are or what you're doing, when it comes on at a party or at a pub, everyone raises their glasses and sings along. Those are the qualities you want in a national anthem".
When polled by DUFP reporters, Dunedin locals were in overwhelming support for the change. Over 60% of people were reported as being 'bloody stoked' about the addition, with a further 26% being 'over the moon'.
More to come.
Societal and gender experts all agree – the newly-announced Taika Waititi superhero film ‘Thor 4: Love and Thunder’ is one of the world’s first examples of ‘Intergalactic Feminism’.
One step up from the more-traditional ‘Intersectional Feminism’, where feminism takes into account often-overlooked cultures and belief system, Interdimensional Feminism expands its scope beyond the stars.
Director Taika Waititi said that the film’s naming Natalie Portman as the new Thor would both thrill audiences and also appeal to their sense of equality.
“We took a look at the structure of society, and we realized that it hadn’t taken into account ANY race of warrior people from beyond the stars, and I couldn’t let that stand.”
“I’m so looking forward to seeing the faces of all the little boys and girls out there, once they realize that they have the potential to be crowned as King or Queen of Asgard, and Protector of the Nine Realms.”
Despite this positive news, many unhappy Marvel fans have taken to social media to vent their frustrations.
One Twitter user wrote that they were ‘sick to death’ of ‘this liberal, PC-agenda of appealing to any Tom, Dick or Hodor, virtue signalling like Heimdell on the Bifrost’.
Another user wrote that he watched Marvel films for ‘suspension of belief’ that a woman was still unequal to a man, ‘just like God intended – but not the God of Thunder.’
More to come.
Blinking nervously and dabbing sweat from his brow, local man Mike Macallister spent the majority of his weekend frantically reassuring his girlfriend Kelsey Greene that his moaning of the Black Caps captain’s name in the throes of passion was, in fact, nothing to worry about.
Sitting with her arms crossed and a pursed look on her face, Greene had yet to speak a word to Macallister since he uttered the name of the New Zealand cricket captain whilst mid-coitus on Friday evening.
“I feel like such a fool,” said Macallister. “I’ve been so careful to keep the two main loves of my life seperate; cricket and Kelsey.”
“Kelsey’s a fantastic, intelligent girl, with a great personality, but Kane… he’s special to me. I just can’t get enough of that thing he does with his wrists.”
“And don’t get me started on that smile of his. It makes me weak at the knees, truth be told.”
Speaking exclusively to DUFP reporters, Greene said she was completely taken aback by Macallister’s exclamation.
“I thought things were going well on the night, but apparently I could be doing a bit more for his middle stump”.
Williamson could not be reached for comment at the time of publishing, but a representative from New Zealand Cricket said he appreciated being kept in the thoughts of all Kiwis, even in a ‘creepy ways like this’.
Brushing Dorito’s crumbs from his lap and pulling his stained t-shirt over his protruding gut, local man Andy Torrance expressed his disdain with how a popular American TV show ended its latest season, despite not paying for Sky for over ten years.
Torrance, an unemployed University graduate, said he felt ‘let down’ by the way the latest season’s story had developed and the way the characters had resolved their respective storylines.
“If I had actually paid to see any of that drivel, I think I would have written a letter to the editor, or at least made a few snarky posts on a fan forum somewhere,” said Torrance, downloading several other TV shows he had no intention of ever watching.
“I must say, I feel as though the standard of television around is slipping.”
At the time of writing, Torrance had several External Hard Drives worth of films and TV shows from all over the globe piled up on his desk.
“What can I say - I’m a connoisseur of media. If you’d like to learn more about my opinions on each show in excruciating detail, you can read the blog on my website. Or check out my YouTube channel.”
“But be sure to support me on Patreon - I don’t do this stuff for free!”
More to come.
After Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ announcement that she was stepping down as Donald Trump’s Press Secretary, the American President has moved quickly to announce her replacement - socialite and reality television star Kim Kardashian-West.
“I’ve been a fan of Kim’s since I saw her in a low-budget film with Ray-J a few years ago,” said Trump in a statement scrawled in crayon on White House letterhead.
“She really showcased her assets for that important project - I’ve got a position or two for her that I think she’ll fit.”
In a statement of her own, Kardashian-West said she was looking forward to working with the White House to the betterment of all Americans.
With her ever-developing background as a law student, Kardashian-West said she was hoping to develop positive race relations in the USA.
“I have a mixed-race family at home, and now I have an employer who’s the shade of pumpkin soup. If I cannot solve America’s deep-seated race issues, no-one can.”
Although it had yet to be confirmed, Washington insiders report that Kardashian-West’s husband Kanye was eyeing up a position as Donald Trump’s social media manager and hype man.
At a nationwide summit of car manufacturers today, CEOs from all major car brands announced their plans to unveil a new design of car headlights designed to completely and permanently blind all other road users.
“It’s been a long time coming,” said a Hyundai representative. “But we’re proud to finally be able to unveil these new lights that will completely and utterly blind any poor bastard you come across on the road.”
“Previously, we had several other models of headlights on the road that would slightly inconvenience oncoming drivers, maybe force them to squint, look away or hold their hands to their eyes.”
“But this new model really cuts to the chase - our top engineers and scientists believe that even a few seconds of exposure will leave permanent damage to the average eye.”
According to industry insiders, the new headlight model is planned to be released by October this year, and should give dickheads a few weeks to get them installed on their cars just in time for the Christmas holidays.
More to come.
A big ‘SPOILER ALERT’ for all you superhero-obsessed moviegoers out there, but we HAD to celebrate the release of Marvel Studio’s record-breaking new film, ‘Avengers: Endgame’.
And for those among us who have seen this three-hour epic, you’ll know there’s a certain character reveal that really tops anything the franchise has done before!
I’m talking, of course, about the show-stealing Shrek cameo, featuring the lovable green ogre, along with Princess Fiona, Donkey and Puss in Boots all joining the fight against the ‘Mad Titan’ Thanos.
Although many fans were shocked to see Thanos brutally decapitate Donkey onscreen, it certainly added to the high-stakes action they have grown accustomed to.
And what fan didn’t celebrate when Shrek donned the infamous Infinity Gauntlet, snapped his fingers and destroyed Thanos? I’m sure the line he uttered while doing so will live on in fans minds for years to come – ‘Get outta ma swamp!’
While some critics have questioned the Russo Brothers’ decision to include an extended dance party immediately afterwards, it was clear to many it was the right choice to make.
As for the controversial end credits scene, I, for one, am certainly excited to see how the team at Marvel Studios will incorporate the suggested presence of Batman into future films!
One thing’s for certain – ‘Endgame’ certainly was Marvel-ous!
A South Africa-based charity dedicated to ensuring the survival of the world’s rhinoceros’ population has today revealed they have accidentally been supporting and funding rhino poachers and trophy hunters since their 2011 inception.
“Sooooo, it turns out that every dollar we have collected over the years has gone into funding various groups of poachers and their efforts to hunt rhinos into extinction,” said ‘HornyBois’ founder Dr. Julius van der Kempfen.
“I’d like to take this opportunity to say, ‘My bad’. I really dropped the ball on this one”.
Van der Kempfen went on to add that their highly effective fundraising techniques and high level of public support had meant the remaining rhino population was most likely affected ‘beyond repair’.
“We’ve raised SO much since we started, and we thought we were really making a difference. Turns out, it was just a difference in the wrong direction. Again, reaaaally sorry about this, everyone.”
Representatives from HornyBois went on to add that not everything was their fault.
“I mean, some of the groups we were supporting had really confusing names!”
“We only just figured out that a local group we helped support, ‘Rare Rhino Lovers’, was actually referring to how they liked their Rhino steaks cooked, not referencing their dwindling numbers in the wild”.
Despite the bad news, van der Kampfen was optimistic for the future.
“It’s really unlikely that we’ll make the same mistakes with elephants”.