After entering their team into a local social cricket league, the several lovable rogues, vagabonds and outsiders that made up their squad have confirmed they lost every game by ‘a truly mammoth margin’.
‘The Kiwi Battlers’, with members from all walks of life, ranging from those who ‘had rough childhoods’ to those who ‘never got a shot at the big time’, were reportedly decimated in every game they played by at least 150 runs or several wickets.
“Yeah, it was quite bad,” said team captain Guy Rivers. “We were hoping that we’d manage to win a handful of games due to our sheer pluck and determination at overcoming our unique set of circumstances.”
“But no, we got absolutely pumped in each game. We probably should have trained a bit”.
Team coach and barely functioning alcoholic Mick O’Donnell said while the team had won the hearts and minds of many spectators and other teams, they had failed to win literally anything else.
“It’s a miracle our guys can lace up their shoes correctly, really”.
At the team’s end of season awards, Most Improved was awarded to their opening batsman, who by the end of the season, had figured out which end of his bat to hold.
More to come.
A local Dunedin man was unable to properly display his rage at a piece of inferior driving today, as his loose tooting technique failed to convey his feelings of pure rage and hatred.
Mechanic and father of two, Mike Ambrose, was coming home after another hard day of work when he saw the offending driver and their poor level of skill.
“I was coming into Dunedin from Mosgiel when I saw this idiot; he was all over the road. Swerving over both lanes, slowing down, speeding up – I’m pretty sure he was on his phone too!”
Ambrose said he managed to pull alongside the other driver, matching their pace, before letting him ‘have it’.
“I really gave him both barrels. Made eye contact and everything.”
“Unfortunately, I think I was a little over-enthused on the horn – it sounded like I was playing an excitable kazoo next to him! Afterwards, I felt like I had an old cashew between my legs… total d-shriveller!”
Ambrose says he has plans to immediately rectify the situation, saying he has already purchased several different truck horns that he will rig up in his car.
“I tried to get one of those foghorns they use on cruise ships, but they won’t sell one to me because I ‘don’t own a ship that weighs hundreds of tonnes’ or something.”
“Total PC madness”.
More to come.
In what many New Zealanders are considering a final affront to the country they call home, the unruly tourists who made headlines around the world with their uncouth actions have today unveiled 2/5 star rating for New Zealand on review website Yelp.
“I liked seeing the Hobbits village,” began the review.
“But everywhere else was a huge let down. The beaches were covered in trash, the food we were served was full of crap like ants and human hair! DISGUSTING!”
“The worst part was that the locals were so unfriendly! Not at all like my mates in the caravan parks back home! Won’t be returning in a hurry!”
When polled in the street, many New Zealanders put this top of their lists of things they found offensive about the traveller tourists.
“It’s like they haven’t even taken the time to check out our beautiful scenery! New Zealand is so much more than a film franchise!” said one man.
“I could understand them shoplifting a Christmas tree, rope and some Red Bulls, but leaving a bad star review on our country – our HOME – is unforgivable! Bring them back to New Zealand just to throw them out again!” said one woman.
The Beehive has released a statement today, saying they had reached out to Yelp in an effort to get the slanderous review taken down from the site, and would update us once a conclusion had been reached.
New Zealand currently has a rating of 4.83/5 on Yelp.
More to come.
Famous friendly ghost Casper, ‘child’ star of many films and television shows, has given us a rare glimpse behind the scenes of his afterlife and agreed to a tell-all interview with DUFP reporters.
As we all sat – or rather, we sat and he hovered, ghost-like, at Casper’s home at Whipstaff Manor, the comic book, video game, movie and TV star began to regale us with stories of his life, afterlife, career and aftercareer.
“It all began waaay back in 1930-odd,” said Casper, casting his mind back to a time before social media, Nazis and exposing Nazis on social media.
“I was only a child when I got sick, but my parents insisted that modern medicine and vaccines were ‘of the devil’ and kept them away from me. To be fair, the cure for most things back then was heroin mixed with formaldehyde and chloroform, so maybe they had a point.”
“Anyway, because my parents ‘knew better’ than the doctors, I died pretty quickly. It’s not like it was anything out of the ordinary – most class pictures were taken in graveyards so they could include the headstones!”
But despite his childhood lacking in several key areas – namely having one – Casper holds no grudge against his family.
“Sure, I may have haunted them a bit during a period of time which I figured would’ve been my teenage years, but I’m over it all now. Just focussing on being happy and friendly is what I’m all about!”
You can read more about Casper’s story in his new autobiography; “That’s the Spirit: From the Cradle to the Grave A Few Years Later”, in stores next month.
Local amateur comedian and self-described ‘hard case’ Mark McArthur yesterday inflicted a crowd of dozens, gathered to watch a junior cricket match, with a free ‘performance’ of some of his latest material.
Firmly planted in a fold-down camping chair, clasping a thermos of coffee ‘with just a little bit of Irish in it, if y’know what I mean!’, McArthur began his set inside the first over, questioning whether or not the umpires needed to schedule an appointment at Specsavers.
“I could see that was a run out and I’m all the way over here, champ!”
In between quips, McArthur would shoot quick glances to his ‘audience’ as they forced smiles, shifted awkwardly from foot to foot, and became suddenly engrossed with the latest goings-on on their phones.
“Hey Ump” he called.
Upon finally getting a response from the middle of the pitch, 47-year-old investment banker cracked a grin and responded, “Game’s out there!”
“I got that one from The Simpsons. I love that show - isn’t Homer the coolest dad?!”
Throughout the day, McArthur made numerous other ‘humorous’ jibes against the umpires, both teams, and several of his fellow spectators.
As the game began to wind down, McArthur became more philosophical in his speech.
“It’s just a little something I do to bring a bit of joy to people’s lives. I do what I can”
“Hell, I’m not even related to any of these kids”.
While reading the number of messages from well-wishers on her special day, local woman Mikayla Shaw has noticed one message that stands out from among the rest.
Her grandmother, Betty McKenzie, at 85 years young, has managed to not only maintain a social media presence but also submit her own birthday wish – albeit on a profile picture posted back in 2016.
“Happy birthday love! Youre blossoming into such a beautiful young woman – I HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL YEAR AND LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU ON FRIDAY A CUPPA. lOVE YOU”
The comment, left in a sea of ‘Looking good babses’ and ‘XOXO can I be you?’ comments, stands out like a sore thumb; not just because of the sudden switch to caps lock, but also due to it being several years out of date.
“Aww, she made a genuine effort to get it right this time,” said Shaw to herself, as she investigated her notifications.
“The real gift here is that she’s posted it on the correct person’s page this time! Well, that and the fact that she has no idea what a Minion meme is!”
At the time of writing, Mrs McKenzie was perusing Facebook’s range of floral and cat GIFs she could incorporate into her next birthday wish bonanza.
More as it develops.
It has only taken a matter of hours for Dunedin’s Lime Scooters to cause widespread death and destruction across town, with hospitals, medical centres and morgues reporting an overwhelming influx of people.
The scooters, popular across other main centres in New Zealand, were met in Dunedin by excited locals who were looking forward to potentially leaving their cars in the garage and saving on fuel, but their optimism was quickly replaced by terror, as the carnage set in.
“There was blood and guts everywhere,” reported an unnamed Dunedin local.
“I didn’t know where to look – you just couldn’t escape from it. It penetrated all of your senses at once – the smell of blood, the cries of the wounded, the sight of the gore… I was speechless”.
Authorities are warning people to approach the Lime Scooters cautiously, especially if they still haven’t sobered up since New Year’s.
“Walk before you can run, people!” said a representative of the Police.
“And by that, we mean make sure you can actually put one foot in front of the other before trying to operate any kind of vehicle or machine”.
Despite the high human cost, Lime have no plans to withdraw from Dunedin any time soon.
“The way I see it, we’re doing God’s work here,” said Tom Carroll, Dunedin’s Lime Scooter representative.
“If we can remove the kind of people who injure or kill themselves on a goddamn scooter from the gene pool, then I think we’re doing society a bit of a favour.”
More to come.
As the sunlight of a new day rose to greet the world, news that every single person on Earth who set themselves a New Year’s Resolution has come to terms with that they have already broken them began to circulate.
Whether people had decided to get themselves into shape, learn how to play the guitar, or simply live a better kind of life, by the dawn of the tenth day of the year, those promises were already shattered and left by the wayside.
Crawling out from under the covers of wherever they slept that night, people were quick to deny they had ever thought to set themselves any goal for 2019 at all.
“What? No, setting myself the goal of any kind of self-improvement is a bit of a bridge too far, to be honest” said Nick Matheson, a local loser.
“I barely scraped through 2018 by the skin of my teeth, so the idea of ‘self-care’ or whatever is a bit beyond me”.
“I’m just trying to make sure I’ve got enough money for beer for the rest of summer – that’s probably the closest I’m going to get to a resolution of any kind!”
At the time of writing, people around the world were kicking themselves for renewing their gym memberships for a further 12 months, after only going a handful of times the previous year.
“At this point, I’m only going to hit the gym to burn off Christmas lunch,” said one recent re-signing gym-goer.
“I figure that should be about just before Easter, but we’ll see how we go”.
In a stunning announcement, the world’s geneticists have announced they may have found the secret to New Zealand’s domination of rugby: it’s literally in our DNA.
The announcement, coming off a four-year study into New Zealand’s continued domination of the oval-ball game, was made today from a laboratory in Geneva, Switzerland.
The head researcher, Professor Yann Schmidt, declared that after “hundreds of millions of dollars” and “several years of hard work”, they had finally concluded that rugby was indeed in the DNA of every New Zealander.
“You can see it quite clearly in the shape of the DNA of the average New Zealander – a clear rugby ball shape.”
“We can only assume this is why such a small population of people have dominated one of the biggest sports in the world for over one hundred years.”
The study had hoped to include samples from Australia, but researchers were unable to secure a sample.
“We couldn’t even secure a Petrie Dish of bacteria from Australia. Is this what people mean when they say ‘Australia has no culture’?”
After watching his young son eagerly rip the wrapping paper off his brand-new drone Christmas present, local father Tom Bridges has spent the last few hours playing with it, under the guise of ‘testing the controls’.
“You can never be too sure. If something’s defective, I want to make sure we take it back in tomorrow and exchange it for a better one” said Bridges, with a beer in one hand and the controller in the other.
“I’d hate to think that this gift could accidentally hurt someone! This isn’t just me hogging an awesome gift for the day!”
“It may have had his name on the box, but it’s clearly a family gift!”
Bridges’ actions today follow a clear pattern he has been on since he was young. Sources say he has 'taken over' gifts of kites, go-karts and game consoles over the years, and the people closest to him aren’t surprised he’s done it again.
“Par for the course, really,” said his brother, Frank.
“It took me about two weeks to even touch the go-kart, and that was only after he broke it”.
Sources indicate he was already eyeing up a VR headset for the next birthday on the calendar, regardless of whoever was due for it.
“Is it Mum, Aunt Mary or Frank up next? No matter, I’m sure they’ll be as blown away by it as I will be!”