Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern and Deputy-Director of Health Doctor Ashley Bloomfield have today declared that the Level 3 lockdown will be extended by 2 additional hours each time somebody complained about it on a local community Facebook group.
 
“A lot of you morons can’t seem to understand that we’re trying to bloody well keep you safe” said Dr Bloomfield in front of assembled journalists today in Wellington.
 
“But oh no, you’re so damn intent on sinking a few beers ‘with the booooys’ that you wouldn’t even know if you were sick or not!”
 
“And don’t get me started on those bloody Facebook community groups – a few morons in there posting about how 5G causes cancer and how the government are all actually secret super-Nazis or some shit!”
 
Today’s outburst was incredibly out of character for the usually laid-back Doctor Bloomfield, who has remained a steadfast bastion of strength for a large part of the country.
 
Ardern then took over the rest of the press conference, saying that she was introducing legislature into parliament that would see the Level 3 stage of the lockdown extend based around the actions of New Zealand citizens.
 
“That’s right – each time some moron shares some meme that traces back to Moscow, the countdown clock rolls back two hours”.
 
Ardern added that she had planted various GCSE agents throughout community pages across the country.
 
“We WILL see it, and we WILL react accordingly. Don’t be an egg”.
 
MORE AS IT DEVELOPS

If, like me, you think that the many brutal dictators of the world have been missing a certain feminine charm, then you’ll absolutely LOVE the news that North Korea’s #1 example of Toxic Masculinity, Kim Jong-Un is reportedly close to death.
 
Why? Well apart from giving off MAJOR man-splaining vibes, if Kim Jong-Un dies, then his younger sister, Kim Yo-Jong, will take over as head of the secretive Asian nation.
 
Uhhh… can I get a ‘#goals’ from the back?!
 
In typical patriarchal fashion, Yo-Jong has spent several years working in the background of North Korea’s propaganda wing, never truly getting the recognition she deserves… until now!
 
Not only has she got the experience, but according to reports from the North, she takes shit from no man; reportedly having her uncle executed for treason several years ago.
 
So, until Big Kim decides to pop his clogs, we’ll be waiting with bated breath for updates on the meteoric rise of this absolute #girlboss.
 
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It was a very happy day for students of Facebook University, as thousands graduated today from Facebook’s medical school, now fully versed and experts in all fields of health, well-being and medicine.
 
“As an educator, it certainly is very rewarding to see all your hard work pay off like this,” said Senior Lecturer Vladimir Zuckerberg.
 
“Just think; in no time at all, our students will be out in the field, spreading their special strain of medical knowledge like, well, a virus, I suppose”.
 
Many of today’s graduates are expected to take up residency in your local community news Facebook group, where they will immediately prescribe a course of absolute nonsense and pseudo-science bunk.
 
Today’s numbers are set to followed up by a similar announcement from Facebook University’s Law School, as thousands more are set to begin prosecuting the Chinese government for illegally infusing bats with 5G or some bullshit like that.
 
MORE AS IT DEVELOPS.

The International Criminal Court (ICC) has today announced that it will be bringing charges of war crimes against the wireless communication technology known as 5G, after damning photo evidence emerged late last night.
 
Accusations around 5G’s participation in several global conflict sites had long been theorised but was unable to be corroborated until the recent evidence had surfaced.
 
“This is a great day for justice around the world,” said ICC judge Chile Eboe-Osuji.
 
“We’ve been tracking 5G for months now, but today’s announcement means we can strike a real blow against evil in the world”.
 
5G stands accused of a multitude of other crimes, including cattle rustling, real estate fraud, causing the entire COVID-19 pandemic, poisoning the watering hole, and general unpleasantness.
 
“5G has left hundreds of thousands – if not millions – of victims in its wake. We’re looking forward to taking this bastard down.”
 
MORE AS IT UNFOLDS.

As part of atoning for his quarantine breaking antics, Health Minister David Clark has today vowed to personally shake hands and apologise to every Dunedin resident before the end of the quarantine period.
 
“I know I’ve messed up,” said Dr Clark, facing the media from Wellington today.
 
“I’m hoping that by going door-to-door, meeting and shaking the hand of every Dunedinite I can, people will truly understand my dedication to public health and my dedication to this lockdown”.
 
Dr Clark had come under fire for skirting the nationwide quarantine in the wake of the coronavirus’ arrival in New Zealand, at one point driving 20 km to take his family to the goddamn beach.

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On her way to do the family’s weekly grocery shop, SUV driver and urban pioneer Grace O’Sullivan has engaged in a daredevil battle of nerves with a neighbourhood speed bump.
 
Onlookers described the scene as ‘tense’, ‘unnerving’ and ‘a totally appropriate response for the circumstances’ as O’Sullivan slowly approached the speed bump located around the corner from her family home.
 
Reaching breakneck speeds upwards of 5km/h, O’Sullivan masterfully manoeuvred the steering wheel to ensure that her brand-new 2020 Kia Sorrento SX approached the shifty-looking speedbump at a safe 45° angle.
 
Easing her seven-door behemoth of a vehicle over the cracked and aged traffic management system, O’Sullivan fist-pumped to herself before taking off at well over the speed limit, cutting several corners on her way to her closest New World.
 
When later asked for comment, O’Sullivan said that she appreciated the repeated honks of encouragement from the line of cars stuck behind her during the fifteen minute process.
 
She added that she would be putting on her winter chains as soon as she got back from the supermarket, guaranteeing her safety as she drives down the hill from her Maori Hill home.
 
“You can’t be too safe!”
 
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To add to the growing threat of the global COVID-19 pandemic that is killing thousands around the world, top doctors and scientists are also reporting that vibes are going unchecked at worrying rates.
 
“As a healthcare professional and a mother, I’m exceedingly worried about the effects large amounts of unchecked vibes could have on the people of New Zealand,” said Dr Ingrid Davenport, a virologist.
 
“We’re urging all Kiwis to check the vibe of everyone they know, from their close friends and family, to casual acquaintances – especially the elderly”.
 
Dr Davenport went on to say that vibes left unchecked for too long could lead to several severe side-effects, including a bad buzz and poor form.
 
“It’ll take a lot of effort, but we can get through these challenging times if we work as a crew.”
 
Dr Davenport’s next project is working on the potentially devastating side-effects of not being able to kiss the homies goodnight, due to the nationwide quarantine.
 
MORE AS IT DEVELOPS.

American President Donald Trump has wasted no time reacting to the news that the House of Representatives have voted to impeach him, releasing a statement today saying that he is 'not a fan of peaches' and he 'hadn't even eaten a peach before'.

In his full statement, Trump went on to slam those in the media who were reporting on the result of the vote, saying he was the victim of the 'worst witch hunt in the history of American politics'.

​"Imagine saying a man of my stature would be a fan of fruit and vegetables like peaches!"

"No other American president has undergone such a disgusting level of harassment" he added, conveniently forgetting the four Presidents who were assassinated while in office.

"I know that my supporters are smart enough to see through this Fake News".

More to come. ​

Saying he was saving them 'for a rainy day', YouTuber and self-described 'critic of society' 'ShadowFang89' today recorded several apology videos for indiscretions he had yet to commit.

ShadowFang, better known as Keith Moore, said he wanted the apologies pre-recorded on his hard drive with clear edit points where he could slip in exactly what he had done that warranted the apology.

Moore, a 32-year-old insurance salesman, had built a 'following' of a few dozen subscribers who sporadically tuned in to his videos and streams that covered everything from video games and movies, to politics, pop culture and society in general.

"I figure when I eventually make it big, I'll have people who are wanting to take me down just because of some of the awful and toxic stuff I've said in the past."

"These pre-recorded apologies mean I can now focus entirely on bringing the masses what they want: two-hour long analysis videos on anime boob physics."

Moore went on to add that had planned out several more apology video templates, including everything from dropping racial and homophobic slurs, to casual sexism, and general nastiness and bullying.

"I am truly a cross-genre creator".