Every New Year’s Resolution on Earth Already Broken

​As the sunlight of a new day rose to greet the world, news that every single person on Earth who set themselves a New Year’s Resolution has come to terms with that they have already broken them began to circulate.
 
Whether people had decided to get themselves into shape, learn how to play the guitar, or simply live a better kind of life, by the dawn of the tenth day of the year, those promises were already shattered and left by the wayside.
 
Crawling out from under the covers of wherever they slept that night, people were quick to deny they had ever thought to set themselves any goal for 2019 at all.
 
“What? No, setting myself the goal of any kind of self-improvement is a bit of a bridge too far, to be honest” said Nick Matheson, a local loser.
 
“I barely scraped through 2018 by the skin of my teeth, so the idea of ‘self-care’ or whatever is a bit beyond me”.
 
“I’m just trying to make sure I’ve got enough money for beer for the rest of summer – that’s probably the closest I’m going to get to a resolution of any kind!”
 
At the time of writing, people around the world were kicking themselves for renewing their gym memberships for a further 12 months, after only going a handful of times the previous year.
 
“At this point, I’m only going to hit the gym to burn off Christmas lunch,” said one recent re-signing gym-goer.
 
“I figure that should be about just before Easter, but we’ll see how we go”.