Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern and Deputy-Director of Health Doctor Ashley Bloomfield have today declared that the Level 3 lockdown will be extended by 2 additional hours each time somebody complained about it on a local community Facebook group.
“A lot of you morons can’t seem to understand that we’re trying to bloody well keep you safe” said Dr Bloomfield in front of assembled journalists today in Wellington.
“But oh no, you’re so damn intent on sinking a few beers ‘with the booooys’ that you wouldn’t even know if you were sick or not!”
“And don’t get me started on those bloody Facebook community groups – a few morons in there posting about how 5G causes cancer and how the government are all actually secret super-Nazis or some shit!”
Today’s outburst was incredibly out of character for the usually laid-back Doctor Bloomfield, who has remained a steadfast bastion of strength for a large part of the country.
Ardern then took over the rest of the press conference, saying that she was introducing legislature into parliament that would see the Level 3 stage of the lockdown extend based around the actions of New Zealand citizens.
“That’s right – each time some moron shares some meme that traces back to Moscow, the countdown clock rolls back two hours”.
Ardern added that she had planted various GCSE agents throughout community pages across the country.
“We WILL see it, and we WILL react accordingly. Don’t be an egg”.
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