Government to introduce conscription into retail service from 2019

Minister for Social Development, Carmel Sepuloni has today announced a revolutionary new social program to better all of New Zealand that will be implemented from next year: conscription into retail services.


“It is our hope that by requiring all New Zealanders to serve at least six months in a retail environment, they’ll stop being such assholes to retail staff in future,” said Ms Sepuloni.


“Ideally, people will soon stop asking ‘to speak to the manager’ - seriously, how much of a dick move is that?”


“I mean, people bitch at retail staff all the time, as if they think they can change the T’s and C’s on a promotion, or knock a few more dollars off a total. How bloody delusional do they have to be?”.


A recent survey revealed that when 85% of retail staff were asked to ‘just check out back to see if you have any more there’, they would simply stand in the staff area with a coffee, before returning to the customer.


FIRST Union General Secretary Dennis Maga said “Oh my god, this is going to be amazing for New Zealand. I can’t wait to see Remuera housewives working the till at Maccas. This will be beautiful!”


“The customer is always right? Fuck off.”