It has only taken a matter of hours for Dunedin’s Lime Scooters to cause widespread death and destruction across town, with hospitals, medical centres and morgues reporting an overwhelming influx of people.
The scooters, popular across other main centres in New Zealand, were met in Dunedin by excited locals who were looking forward to potentially leaving their cars in the garage and saving on fuel, but their optimism was quickly replaced by terror, as the carnage set in.
“There was blood and guts everywhere,” reported an unnamed Dunedin local.
“I didn’t know where to look – you just couldn’t escape from it. It penetrated all of your senses at once – the smell of blood, the cries of the wounded, the sight of the gore… I was speechless”.
Authorities are warning people to approach the Lime Scooters cautiously, especially if they still haven’t sobered up since New Year’s.
“Walk before you can run, people!” said a representative of the Police.
“And by that, we mean make sure you can actually put one foot in front of the other before trying to operate any kind of vehicle or machine”.
Despite the high human cost, Lime have no plans to withdraw from Dunedin any time soon.
“The way I see it, we’re doing God’s work here,” said Tom Carroll, Dunedin’s Lime Scooter representative.
“If we can remove the kind of people who injure or kill themselves on a goddamn scooter from the gene pool, then I think we’re doing society a bit of a favour.”
More to come.