New Zealand offers up latest sacrifice on the altar of cheap thrills and ‘reality’ television

In an attempt to indulge the cruel and unusual whims and fancies of the average Kiwi TV viewer, twelve unfortunate souls have been vomited from the safety of obscurity into the harsh spotlight of ‘reality’ television with a new season of ‘Married at First Sight’.


Claiming to be seeking ‘true love’, these unfortunate sacrifices will have to endure weeks upon weeks of comments about simultaneously being too fat and too skinny, too bitchy and not bitchy enough, and just having a ‘punchable face’.


“I can’t wait to be an Instagram star and brand ambassador, just like Matilda Rice!” said one contestant, not knowing they would be part of the first couple eliminated.


“I just know New Zealand is going to love me!” said another fame-hungry hopeful, unaware she will be the target of sadistic bullying efforts for the next several years, pushing her towards a crippling drug habit and several stints in mental health facilities.


When asked for comment on the new season, the show’s producers laughed deeply before going back to counting their money and making a sacrifice on an altar to Satan.


“I predict that the couples will have several low and high points across the season”, said the relationship expert, who seemed to get their certification from a cereal box.


The series is set to premiere ‘soon’ and you already know you’ll watch the whole thing, you disgusting piece of voyeuristic filth.