News straight in from the playground now, as everyone’s just finding out that Nick’s mum – who’s really cool – let him get a sick lightning bolt shaved into his head for his new haircut!
Ever since the divorce, Nick’s been getting all sorts of really cool stuff from his parents, like game consoles, new bikes, and now this! He must be the happiest and most-fulfilled kid in school!
You can tell Nick’s loving his new life with two families – you see it on his face every day when he’s being dropped off at the school gates and crying tears of joy. I mean, he must be REALLY happy, judging by how many tears there are!
Whether he’s with his dad and his new partner – his old babysitter – or with his mum, who living a ‘#badbitch’ lifestyle, whatever that means, Nick looks like he’s having an experience that will really shape him in the near future!
And don’t get me started on TWO Christmasses!
Some kids have all the luck!
The entire female population of New Zealand breathed a collective sigh of relief today, after being reminded that ‘Not All Men’ commit violent assaults and crimes against them, in the wake of the Grace Millane tragedy.
In the days since the murder of English backpacker Millane by a New Zealand man, comment sections have been awash with comments from men, mentioning how ‘Only Some Men’ commit these crimes, and how they would never do such a thing themselves, because they are ‘Nice Guys’.
“Yeah, this guy was nuts, but I would never do anything like this, EVER,” said one commenter.
“You’re welcome, ladies”.
Another commenter went on to say that since they had never seen someone threaten a woman in their immediate vicinity, the problem was clearly ‘overblown feminazi propaganda’.
“More bloody liberal lies, I reckon. There are kids starving in Africa, and we’re here talking about this? Crazy stuff.”
The commenters went on to add they ‘Wouldn’t Apologize’ for the actions of a few ‘Lone Wolves’, saying the actions of a few members of a societal group did not accurately reflect the group as a whole.
Many of the commenters did not have the same viewpoint for the world’s Muslim population, with several dozen comments on the next article calling for a hair-trigger reaction to rising immigration levels.
“If we don’t make a stand, then the end is nigh. I’d like to think if I was a Muslim, I would be trying to make real positive changes in my community.”
Waking last night in a cold sweat surrounded by newspaper articles, printed-off blog posts and opinion pieces, local woman Alex McDermott concluded she could no longer differentiate between the ‘tongue-in-cheek’ satirical news articles and ‘honest-to-god’ actual reporting.
McDermott, 26, is the latest victim of what several psychiatrists are calling ‘News Dissociative Disorder’, or NDD.
“Things could certainly be a lot worse – especially if you’re an avid viewer of Fox News or you put credence in anything Mark Richardson says,” said Dr Vinay Patel, an NDD expert.
“With some of the crazy crap that’s going on in this world of ours, it definitely is becoming harder and harder to separate fact from fiction.”
Dr. Patel went on to describe a new coping mechanism his team had developed to help sufferers cope with the effects of NDD.
“We call it the ‘Trump Test’, and it’s basically where whenever you hear a news report about anything the current American President has said or done, you say to yourself ‘This may or may not be truthful, but I’ve got a million better things to do than worry about anything he gets himself into’”.
“So far, we’ve seen participants experience lessened stress levels and increase their overall happiness levels. I think we’ve found a cure”.
Other experts suggest the effects of NDD can be lessened by putting your damn phone down once in a while.
More to come.
An alarming report released today has confirmed that all of your Christmas memories from your childhood are inaccurate bollocks, and that your family has ALWAYS been as dysfunctional as they are today.
“This is correct,” said the lead researcher.
“Your uncle has ALWAYS gotten too drunk too early and got too handsy with your aunt in front of everyone and grandad has ALWAYS made the mood of the room awkward with some racist jabs at some minority group that had ‘done him wrong’”
“It didn’t just magically start after you left home for university – it’s pretty much been going on since Day 1”.
The report went on to praise the efforts of your mother and father, who had both done a spectacular job in shielding you from the ongoing shitshow that is your extended family.
“Sure, they might have plonked you in front of a DVD for an hour or two on Christmas Day, but that was only so they could slap some sense into one of your uncles who was coma-ing out on a lawn chair, screaming at pedestrians”.
“And don’t even get us started on the feud that’s been going on between your aunt and grandmother for the last fifteen years – the crazy part is, they don’t even remember who started it! Something to do with cooking Christmas lunch, I think?”
It’s not all bad news though, with the report confirming that your grandmother does genuinely love the Christmas Tree topper you made in primary school, saying it ‘almost made up for how much of a little prick your father was when he was younger’.
More to come.
A local Dunedin landlord has today confirmed that he believes that a plank of wood nailed across a gaping hole in the wall of a bedroom in a local student flat is ‘sufficient’, and that ‘they won’t even notice’.
Dean McIntosh, a local banker who ‘dabbles’ in the rental market, plans to spend ‘no more than a week or two’ doing much-needed repair work on several of his rental properties, despite them being in poor and unliveable conditions.
“Holes in the walls? Nothing a 2-by-4 can’t fix! Black mould? I’ll probably whack a coat of paint over it or something.”
“I’m getting really good at this landlord thing – it’s hardly even costing me anything to the repairs! The wood I’m using has come from a tree I cut down in the backyard and I got this paint for next to nothing! Something about lead content or something…”
Despite the painstaking level of care McIntosh has put into his work, he says he has yet to receive any inquiries for tenants in 2019.
“It’s almost as if they don’t want to pay $150 a week for a place with no insulation or double glazing, poor water pressure and broken glass scattered everywhere!”
“Bloody millennial snowflakes!”
In spite of such a poor response, McIntosh is still optimistic about his chances of landing tenants, and even more enthused about his DIY prowess.
“Mate, I’m thinking of signing up for The Block next year or something!”
In surprising news, the immigrant caravan slowly making its way north from South America has released a statement today, saying they now plan to avoid settling in America, and now plan to cross their northern border into Canada.
A spokesperson from the group said that many of those who made up the caravan had “already escaped a murderous and unhinged dictator” in their home countries, and had “no plans to settle in a country ruled by another one”.
“We’ve all been keeping a close eye on the news in America recently, and we’ve decided that we couldn’t risk the safety of our families by settling in a place that’s ravaged by violent political discord, drug wars and a malnourished population”.
“That’s why we’ve made the decision to push further north, until we reach Canada. With their more progressive politics and higher quality of life, we’re hoping to become functioning members of their society”.
In the days since making the announcement, the caravan has received applications from several thousand Americans, hoping to join them on their search for a better life further north.
“It’s heartbreaking, really. You could almost say their country has become a bit of a shithole... but we won’t say that. We’re much too polite.”
The spokesperson went on to confirm they would be performing strict background checks on those who apply to join them.
“You can’t let just anyone in, of course,” they said. “You never know who was crazy enough to think that Trump’s politics would work – that’s someone we certainly don’t want around here.”
More to come.
A student’s last-minute decision to cut two eye holes in a dirty sheet and attend a Halloween party as a ‘spooky ghost’ has seen him take home the award for Dunedin’s ‘Best Halloween Costume’, as literally no-one else gave a fuck.
The unnamed student was reported as saying “I had totally forgotten about this party, actually”.
“It was about fifteen minutes away from all kicking off when I remembered the whole ‘costume’ aspect of the night. Luckily I had a bedsheet spare that I transformed into some kind of ghost, or whatever”.
Upon arriving at the party, the winner quickly found that he was the only person who bothered to attempt any kind of costume, with the other party-goers using the night as another excuse to wear less clothes than they normally would, and drink to excess.
“I mean, in some ways I feel like a bit of a fool, but hey, I’ve got this plastic trophy here that says I did the best costume in the whole of Dunedin on the night, so... yeah... silver linings and all that”.
“If I did have any complaints about the night, it’s that more people thought I was trying to cosplay as a Klansman, but that’s the downside of picking a sheet with a slightly pointy tip”.
“But hey, someone did end up giving me a Moro bar”.
With his foot planted firmly on the accelerator and middle finger raised in anger, local man Derek Rose hoped any glimpse of the ‘absolute fool’ he could get would be enough to confirm any of his underlying biases against anyone who wasn’t a young, white guy.
“There was a fair bit of glare on the window, so I couldn’t quite see if they were some chick or an Asian dude, but shit, man, they definitely drove like them!”
Rose, a 32-year-old unemployed builder, has had his own driver’s license suspended several times since starting driving, but that doesn’t stop him having strong views on the future of New Zealand’s roads and those who drive on them.
“Bloooody foreigners! Over here, killing OUR people on OUR roads! We were killing our own people on our own roads for years!! Just another example of this limp-wristed Labour government!”
“And don’t get me started on females or the elderly!”
At the time of reporting, Rose driving himself to his local WINZ office to collect his latest unemployment check, narrowly missing hitting several pedestrians and cutting off at least three other cars.
“Look at this moron... doesn’t even know the bloody road rules! Place your bets: old, Asian or a woman??”
“Oh shit, it’s a bloke like me... Must just be heading home after a hard day’s work.”
“Onya, mate! Have a beer on me, bro!”
With fingers crossed, local woman Hannah Fletcher surveyed the menu at her local Tank Bar, in the hopes of finding a meal deal combo that could offset the damage done to her body after a long weekend abusing the cigs and piss.
“Sooo... which is better at scrubbing the tar from my lungs – an antibiotic, or copious amounts of Vitamin C?”
“I mean, I got through so many Dunny Blues over Labour Weekend, you could seal a road with the stuff in there!”
Fletcher, an investment banker, has made a habit of giving in to her many vices over her weekends and holiday breaks, hoping that a salad and juice combo would help her purge the toxins from her system.
“How many bananas will it take to offset two bottles of cheap rosé? Maybe if I add some mango, I’ll be able to shake this hangover I’ve had since 2016...”
“I’m not as young as I used to be – I may need to start taking Omega-3 tablets in the mornings!”
When questioned about her lifestyle choices, she became quite defensive.
“Look, if downing a bottle or two of cheap wine from the supermarket, a pack of ciggies and something greasy from Maccas at 2:30am is ‘wrong’ all of a sudden, then I sure as shit don’t want to be ‘right’!”
Citing a lack of genes required to produce a respectable ‘cookie duster’, local man Ernie Taylor has declared his intention to take a ‘running start’ into Movember, christening the week-and-a-half before the start of the month as ‘Moctober’.
“I just feel as though there needs to be some sort of special dispensation given to those who would normally LOVE to take part in what is a great thing for charity,” said Taylor today.
“By creating ‘Moctober’, we’ve given men who struggle to grow ‘lip foliage’ a safe space to lay the groundwork for what will hopefully be a fine example of a mouth mirkin”.
“No longer shall we cower in the shadows, fearful of the roasting we get whenever we try to grow a goddamn moustache!”
The campaign, already with several dozen fans on Facebook, has drawn comparisons with the work done by various civil rights figureheads over the last several decades.
One social media commenter was quoted as saying “If Gandhi or MLK had their heads screwed on properly, we wouldn’t have to fight for the right to grow a moustache without being called a ‘creep’ or a ‘pedo’,”
“Ah well... Live and learn, I say”.
When pressed about the future of the of the Moctober movement, Taylor said he was hoping to expand into other fields of life.
“There’s so much work to be done out there,” he said.
“I refuse to feel inferior for not being able to change a tire, put up shelving or properly drop-kick a rugby ball. The shaming ends here!”