Fathers, step-fathers and daddies across the nation have announced today they are beginning intensive ‘applause training’ in preparation for upcoming graduations, where they plan to applaud in a totally over-the-top fashion that is sure to cause lots of embarrassment.
Speaking from his family home, one father who asked not to be named, said he was “just so excited to see his little girl finally graduate” and “dive right into the exciting world of philosophy with a high-paying job right off the bat”.
The unnamed man went on to say he had begun training under a strict applause regimen that he hoped would result in “the biggest booming claps you’ve ever heard in your life!”
“They are going to hear how proud I am all the way across town!”
He added that his ‘Clap Coach’ encouraged him to use his hands as little as possible until the big day.
“Yeah, it’ll be odd having to use my wrists and feet for the next month or two, but it’ll all be worth it soon enough!”
Other dads were still unsure as to how they were planning to mark the occasion.
“Personally, I’m still tossing up between loud, thunderous applause and shorter, sharper claps. I’m not quite sure which will sufficiently display my joy of my little man graduating” said another father.
“Ah well, there’s a long way until May!”
In tragic news from the anime community, it has been revealed that the anime character Nate Mitotsudaira has tragically passed away overnight, crushed to death by the weight of her own hair.
Mitotsudaira, a half-human, half-werewolf student of the Musashi Ariadust Academy, was found in her bed yesterday morning, after having inadvertently rolled over in her sleep and the sheer weight of her hair popping her head ‘like a grape’.
Her friends and family lovingly described her as a ‘wonderful side character’ with ‘hair like actual goddamn drills’.
They went on to add, “Seriously?! Motherfucking DRILLS?! God is dead. He’s dead and we killed him. With our hair-drill bullshit”.
This isn’t the first hair-related medical emergency in the anime community, with several other cases of sprained necks reported, as well as three cases of characters nearly gassing themselves to death with various hairsprays and chemicals.
Mitotsudaira's death is expected to increase calls on the government to introduce a total ban on anime.
In what many industry experts are calling a ‘ground-breaking’ look, an area man has sent shockwaves through the fashion community with his daring new style to flaunt his natural body: tucked-in t-shirts.
Father of four, Dennis Carmody said in a statement in that he was ‘proud’ to represent ‘dads who have a little more junk in the trunk, as well as a spare tyre or two around the midriff’.
“Fashion is all about what’s coming next, and I believe this look has been coming for a while.”
“For too long, men around the world have been told that their curves are shameful, something to hide away. Well, I say the shame ends today!”
Carmody said he was inspired to debut his audacious style at a mate’s barbecue, last weekend.
“All eyes were on me, I can tell you that much. The women wanted me, the men wanted to be me.”
Carmody revealed he is already designing a range a ‘extra-stretchy’ tops for men who want to ‘tuck and flaunt’, and he plans to start shipping globally.
“I’m just hoping to get the good word out – ‘Tuck Ya Tees’, guys. I’m going to get this thing viral”.
After entering their team into a local social cricket league, the several lovable rogues, vagabonds and outsiders that made up their squad have confirmed they lost every game by ‘a truly mammoth margin’.
‘The Kiwi Battlers’, with members from all walks of life, ranging from those who ‘had rough childhoods’ to those who ‘never got a shot at the big time’, were reportedly decimated in every game they played by at least 150 runs or several wickets.
“Yeah, it was quite bad,” said team captain Guy Rivers. “We were hoping that we’d manage to win a handful of games due to our sheer pluck and determination at overcoming our unique set of circumstances.”
“But no, we got absolutely pumped in each game. We probably should have trained a bit”.
Team coach and barely functioning alcoholic Mick O’Donnell said while the team had won the hearts and minds of many spectators and other teams, they had failed to win literally anything else.
“It’s a miracle our guys can lace up their shoes correctly, really”.
At the team’s end of season awards, Most Improved was awarded to their opening batsman, who by the end of the season, had figured out which end of his bat to hold.
More to come.
A local Dunedin man was unable to properly display his rage at a piece of inferior driving today, as his loose tooting technique failed to convey his feelings of pure rage and hatred.
Mechanic and father of two, Mike Ambrose, was coming home after another hard day of work when he saw the offending driver and their poor level of skill.
“I was coming into Dunedin from Mosgiel when I saw this idiot; he was all over the road. Swerving over both lanes, slowing down, speeding up – I’m pretty sure he was on his phone too!”
Ambrose said he managed to pull alongside the other driver, matching their pace, before letting him ‘have it’.
“I really gave him both barrels. Made eye contact and everything.”
“Unfortunately, I think I was a little over-enthused on the horn – it sounded like I was playing an excitable kazoo next to him! Afterwards, I felt like I had an old cashew between my legs… total d-shriveller!”
Ambrose says he has plans to immediately rectify the situation, saying he has already purchased several different truck horns that he will rig up in his car.
“I tried to get one of those foghorns they use on cruise ships, but they won’t sell one to me because I ‘don’t own a ship that weighs hundreds of tonnes’ or something.”
“Total PC madness”.
More to come.
In what many New Zealanders are considering a final affront to the country they call home, the unruly tourists who made headlines around the world with their uncouth actions have today unveiled 2/5 star rating for New Zealand on review website Yelp.
“I liked seeing the Hobbits village,” began the review.
“But everywhere else was a huge let down. The beaches were covered in trash, the food we were served was full of crap like ants and human hair! DISGUSTING!”
“The worst part was that the locals were so unfriendly! Not at all like my mates in the caravan parks back home! Won’t be returning in a hurry!”
When polled in the street, many New Zealanders put this top of their lists of things they found offensive about the traveller tourists.
“It’s like they haven’t even taken the time to check out our beautiful scenery! New Zealand is so much more than a film franchise!” said one man.
“I could understand them shoplifting a Christmas tree, rope and some Red Bulls, but leaving a bad star review on our country – our HOME – is unforgivable! Bring them back to New Zealand just to throw them out again!” said one woman.
The Beehive has released a statement today, saying they had reached out to Yelp in an effort to get the slanderous review taken down from the site, and would update us once a conclusion had been reached.
New Zealand currently has a rating of 4.83/5 on Yelp.
More to come.
Famous friendly ghost Casper, ‘child’ star of many films and television shows, has given us a rare glimpse behind the scenes of his afterlife and agreed to a tell-all interview with DUFP reporters.
As we all sat – or rather, we sat and he hovered, ghost-like, at Casper’s home at Whipstaff Manor, the comic book, video game, movie and TV star began to regale us with stories of his life, afterlife, career and aftercareer.
“It all began waaay back in 1930-odd,” said Casper, casting his mind back to a time before social media, Nazis and exposing Nazis on social media.
“I was only a child when I got sick, but my parents insisted that modern medicine and vaccines were ‘of the devil’ and kept them away from me. To be fair, the cure for most things back then was heroin mixed with formaldehyde and chloroform, so maybe they had a point.”
“Anyway, because my parents ‘knew better’ than the doctors, I died pretty quickly. It’s not like it was anything out of the ordinary – most class pictures were taken in graveyards so they could include the headstones!”
But despite his childhood lacking in several key areas – namely having one – Casper holds no grudge against his family.
“Sure, I may have haunted them a bit during a period of time which I figured would’ve been my teenage years, but I’m over it all now. Just focussing on being happy and friendly is what I’m all about!”
You can read more about Casper’s story in his new autobiography; “That’s the Spirit: From the Cradle to the Grave A Few Years Later”, in stores next month.
Local amateur comedian and self-described ‘hard case’ Mark McArthur yesterday inflicted a crowd of dozens, gathered to watch a junior cricket match, with a free ‘performance’ of some of his latest material.
Firmly planted in a fold-down camping chair, clasping a thermos of coffee ‘with just a little bit of Irish in it, if y’know what I mean!’, McArthur began his set inside the first over, questioning whether or not the umpires needed to schedule an appointment at Specsavers.
“I could see that was a run out and I’m all the way over here, champ!”
In between quips, McArthur would shoot quick glances to his ‘audience’ as they forced smiles, shifted awkwardly from foot to foot, and became suddenly engrossed with the latest goings-on on their phones.
“Hey Ump” he called.
Upon finally getting a response from the middle of the pitch, 47-year-old investment banker cracked a grin and responded, “Game’s out there!”
“I got that one from The Simpsons. I love that show - isn’t Homer the coolest dad?!”
Throughout the day, McArthur made numerous other ‘humorous’ jibes against the umpires, both teams, and several of his fellow spectators.
As the game began to wind down, McArthur became more philosophical in his speech.
“It’s just a little something I do to bring a bit of joy to people’s lives. I do what I can”
“Hell, I’m not even related to any of these kids”.
While reading the number of messages from well-wishers on her special day, local woman Mikayla Shaw has noticed one message that stands out from among the rest.
Her grandmother, Betty McKenzie, at 85 years young, has managed to not only maintain a social media presence but also submit her own birthday wish – albeit on a profile picture posted back in 2016.
“Happy birthday love! Youre blossoming into such a beautiful young woman – I HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL YEAR AND LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU ON FRIDAY A CUPPA. lOVE YOU”
The comment, left in a sea of ‘Looking good babses’ and ‘XOXO can I be you?’ comments, stands out like a sore thumb; not just because of the sudden switch to caps lock, but also due to it being several years out of date.
“Aww, she made a genuine effort to get it right this time,” said Shaw to herself, as she investigated her notifications.
“The real gift here is that she’s posted it on the correct person’s page this time! Well, that and the fact that she has no idea what a Minion meme is!”
At the time of writing, Mrs McKenzie was perusing Facebook’s range of floral and cat GIFs she could incorporate into her next birthday wish bonanza.
More as it develops.
It has only taken a matter of hours for Dunedin’s Lime Scooters to cause widespread death and destruction across town, with hospitals, medical centres and morgues reporting an overwhelming influx of people.
The scooters, popular across other main centres in New Zealand, were met in Dunedin by excited locals who were looking forward to potentially leaving their cars in the garage and saving on fuel, but their optimism was quickly replaced by terror, as the carnage set in.
“There was blood and guts everywhere,” reported an unnamed Dunedin local.
“I didn’t know where to look – you just couldn’t escape from it. It penetrated all of your senses at once – the smell of blood, the cries of the wounded, the sight of the gore… I was speechless”.
Authorities are warning people to approach the Lime Scooters cautiously, especially if they still haven’t sobered up since New Year’s.
“Walk before you can run, people!” said a representative of the Police.
“And by that, we mean make sure you can actually put one foot in front of the other before trying to operate any kind of vehicle or machine”.
Despite the high human cost, Lime have no plans to withdraw from Dunedin any time soon.
“The way I see it, we’re doing God’s work here,” said Tom Carroll, Dunedin’s Lime Scooter representative.
“If we can remove the kind of people who injure or kill themselves on a goddamn scooter from the gene pool, then I think we’re doing society a bit of a favour.”
More to come.