 An alarming report released today has confirmed that all of your Christmas memories from your childhood are inaccurate bollocks, and that your family has ALWAYS been as dysfunctional as they are today.
“This is correct,” said the lead researcher. “Your uncle has ALWAYS gotten too drunk too early and got too handsy with your aunt in front of everyone and grandad has ALWAYS made the mood of the room awkward with some racist jabs at some minority group that had ‘done him wrong’” “It didn’t just magically start after you left home for university – it’s pretty much been going on since Day 1”. The report went on to praise the efforts of your mother and father, who had both done a spectacular job in shielding you from the ongoing shitshow that is your extended family. “Sure, they might have plonked you in front of a DVD for an hour or two on Christmas Day, but that was only so they could slap some sense into one of your uncles who was coma-ing out on a lawn chair, screaming at pedestrians”. “And don’t even get us started on the feud that’s been going on between your aunt and grandmother for the last fifteen years – the crazy part is, they don’t even remember who started it! Something to do with cooking Christmas lunch, I think?” It’s not all bad news though, with the report confirming that your grandmother does genuinely love the Christmas Tree topper you made in primary school, saying it ‘almost made up for how much of a little prick your father was when he was younger’. More to come. |
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