Scientists today have confirmed that President Donald Trump has been overtaken by the erupting Hawaiian volcano, Kīlauea, as America’s biggest spewer of toxic material.
Kīlauea, erupting since early May, has been putting out a near-constant stream of noxious fumes, harmful lava and thick ash – a level of toxicity previously only ever seen on Donald Trump’s Twitter feed.
National Guard General Michael Rodriguez said in a televised statement today that they had managed to evacuate the “majority of Hawaiians” threatened by the volcano’s activities and hoped to have everyone accounted for “very soon”.
“At this point, we are unable to offer any information on those exposed to high levels of Donald Trump, but we do recommend that they evacuate and seek shelter somewhere with no internet access.”
Rodriguez continued, saying they were also busy calculating the costs of both disasters.
“Right now, we’re estimating a bill that’ll run into the hundreds of millions. We don’t really mind that one so much; we’re more pissed off that the history books will have that bloviating micro-penis of a Twitter twat as our Commander-in-Chief.”