World’s scientists announce that that thing you’re doing RIGHT NOW is giving you cancer

 In alarming news, every scientist in the world has gathered to announce that that thing you’re doing right now is more than likely putting a big ol’ cancerous tumour somewhere in your body.


“We really want to emphasise that the action that you’re currently performing with your body is, like, tripling your chances of developing some sort of horrific cancer in the near future”.


“You’d be best to not do that thing, and do something else instead”.


“No, God! Not that! That’s even MORE dangerous!”


“You might as well go for a swim in toxic waste, since you’re so intent on playing with fire here!”


The scientists went on to announce they had assembled a comprehensive diet and lifestyle plan to combat these potential cancerous threats to your life.


“By removing everything that could potentially bring joy to your life, we believe we’ve compiled a guide to live by; entirely healthy, cancer-free and fucking miserable”.


“We just recommend that you don’t review the plan on your cellphone, in case the tips of your fingers become cancerous, or on your laptop, in case you develop lap cancer – it kills 15,000 people a year around the world.”


“A real silent killer”.


“We’d recommend having the report printed on hemp paper and read from the safety of your own giant plastic bubble”.


“Just watch out for paper cuts”.